Wednesday, August 17, 2016

I'm Twenty Three

Status: In before IU's 23 song
Song: Whatta Man by I.O.I

I promised myself last year, I would be listening to IU's 23 when I turn 23. So here it is; (for better understanding, enable your caption)

Last year when this song was released, I felt like it spoke to me. Like yes to:
A bunch of twenty three
Now becomes little feminine
Trust me moderately if I pretend to be a grown up
AND definitely, YAAAASS to this:
Oh right I want to be in love
No I rather make money
Try to guess
I think after turning 21, I wrongly assume everything would make sense since I am legally an adult now.

Boy, was I wrong. Even at 23, I'm still trying to be adult when I know jack shit. I'm just a twentysomething person who is still a child.

At least by 23, I'm done with university life. That's a huge achievement there. How many people out there can say that? Not that many, I tell you.
Now, there's just 'work till you die' phase of my life.

What else is there to life?

You know what I have not achieved when everyone of my age has? A boyfriend. At 23, I have never ever had a boyfriend in my life.

The high school me would have been disappointed in me for not landing myself a boyfriend by the time I graduate. High school me probably thinks I'm a loser right now.

I'm sorry, 14 years old me. I'm still the same 16 years old me who find Korean boys cute and have zero social grace.

This level of loserness smh.

On a side note, I know this is an unpopular opinion among my local peers. I know everyone around me wants someone aka significant other to last until marriage.

I know you're supposed to date someone with the end goal of marriage. Like that's the morally good thing to do.

But I'm not always morally good.
I'm not a morally good person most of the times anyway.

Because I am still the same 14 years old kid who is afraid of commitments and thinks that wedding sucks balls. Like why waste so much money when you can splurge on a 5 star hotel for your honeymoon???

At 23, I just want to experience the whole dating scene like texting until late at nights though that might annoy me. Or go out on dates with dinner and stuff. Or receiving present on my birthday from a guy though I always do lol. Or getting into huge fight over dramatic things. Or going through a heartbreak from the breakup.

I don't want to jump straight into marriage. I am not at that level of wanting to wake up next to the same person every day. I'm not ready for that.

I'm probably romanticising the idea of boyfriend but I think it would be nice for once, to like someone and that feeling is being reciprocated.
To actually be able to talk about anything and nothing at the same time.
To actually enjoy in the company of someone.
To actually listen to love songs and is reminded of that someone. :')
To also listen breakup songs and is reminded of that someone too. :')

Okay. I admit it. I must have read too many love stories and Korean drama but I want it so baddddd. D;

That sounded desperate but come on guys, at 23, my nonexistent love life is kind of alarming in this decade.

Also, I may or may not have been watching too much How I Met Your Mother. No thanks to my sister who watches it every day. I think living as one of the characters in HIMYM is my ultimate dream goal lol.

But seriously.
For once in my life, I just want to answer all my friends' most frequently asked question with a yes; 'Do you have/had a boyfriend?'

Thursday, August 11, 2016

The First Year in UM

Since I will be officially graduating this October, I thought to myself, 'why don't I write something very personal about UM?'.
Therefore, this is going to be my first part of reminiscing the UM days :')
I'm going to touch on every aspect of UM life including academic, social, and personal feelings. Like I am going to be honest about it. Like there's no censoring on what I feel. I won't name people's names, though.

Truthfully, I can't remember what really happened back when I first entered UM. All I know is that I get to go back home every weekend and that's all that matters.

Back then, choosing UM isn't because it's the number 1 university in the country but because it's the nearest to home. I couldn't live another year in nowheresville. I need my dose of a lively city so I can feel alive and, wifi.

Until today, I don't regret choosing UM. Pharmacy? Sorta regret but UM, never.

Writing the first year post is really tough lol. I mostly can't remember anything interesting happened aside from the first 3 weeks in UM.

I went through a difficult time during the first month in matriculation. I was alone in a foreign place away from my family for the first time, with no friends while everyone else already had their own group of friends. I thought that I had to face the same situation in UM too. I had already prepared for the worst.

So my first week in UM was utterly boring. I wanted to be friendly and meet new people but I didn't have the mood for it. I certainly wasn't up for any nonsense such as cheers and team building activity.

Although I do remember being in awe of everyone else who had this eager aura to join this nuisance activities. I can see most of them were enjoying this orientation week. They were all volunteering to be in front and presenting their quirky ideas.

At that time, I remembered I was regretting choosing UM haha. This place was filled with idiots who like this kind of activities. I didn't want to befriend any of these losers who were dumb enough to fall for this motivational schtick.

Then, of course. I got singled out by this one senior who somehow enjoyed calling me, 'Bosan and making my life during that week slightly harder'. Let me tell you. Every time I bumped into this senior, I always gave him my stink eye and pretend he never existed.

I thought I got away after the week ended but then Family Week aka Hell Week started in the faculty. It was all blurry to me but I remembered being really tired mentally and physically. To the point where I couldn't focus in class.

They may name it something very friendly like Family Week but it was actually another orientation. Just  an unofficial one. Basically, it was me doing things I would never in my whole life did, performing in front of strangers, being scolded almost every day and faking my way through the seniors who I have zero care about at that time. Seniority? That's not a thing in my life.

I joined dancing when I couldn't even dance. I sucked but who cares.
I tried to approach people when in reality, I don't approach, people approach me ok.
Never have I been fake so much in my life.

Honestly, although it was hellish, it did bring my classmates and me closer like brothers-in-arms. Like, 'hey guys we went through shit together so we kinda have to be together until the end now'.
That strong camaraderie was worth all that.

In terms of academic, I was really trying to adjust the way of UM system. Like past year questions and realizing that the question doesn't really change.

It was mind-blowing. I was one of those kids who never believe in past years questions even before SPM. Like who the fuck has time to analyse every question and memorise the questions.

Entering UM was mind-blowing in that sense. I had to deal with my bruised ego where I thought I was smart enough to not rely on past years questions because relying on those questions meant I had to rely on seniors. My very first test was on organic chemistry and I literally flunked it while everyone else scored because they had past year questions.

Like what the hell. Not to mention, Organic Chemistry was my weakest subject and I couldn't understand a single thing. It was horrible.

Then Biochemistry was another horrible thing I had to face during my second semester. At that time, I realized I hate Chemistry and I was so grateful I did not take up Chemical Engineering. I would have hated my life so much if I did.

I came out as an average student by the time the first year ended and that was something normal ever since high school. I was content with it.

From the social aspect, I was really recluse and didn't socialise much. During the first year, there was literally a zero social life which was normal for me back then. I was a loner and that didn't change much for me.

I did though miss my matriculation girls.

At that time, I had 3 important friends. The first friend I made with was a girl who came up to me during the first week and she tried to start a conversation with me when no one else did because I was THAT unapproachable. Ever since then, I stuck by her side for the whole year. Let's call her, A. She was the friendliest person I have ever known and I was so in awe of her effortless way of making friends especially with boys.

She was the light and I was the shadow. People would approach her first before acknowledging me and I don't mind. I was content being known as A's quiet friend. We were inseparable ever since. There were a lot of good memories I had with her. I remembered fondly of the days when we would go to class together and she would tell me the latest gossip in our class and confided in me about her love life.

Like seriously. We were just noobs in UM but she was already having the epic love story going on for her while I hardly could recognise any boys in my class. Personally, I was really in debt to her. She could have ditched me for a better, more talkative girl with better experience in boyfriends but she didn't throughout the whole year. I wasn't really the most interesting person and the least friendly of all.

I was literally ready if she wanted to ditch me but she never did. For that, I am always grateful for having her as my first friend in UM and stuck by my side ever since.

The second person that I remembered made friends with was B. This may seem weird but she came off really cold at first but then I realise that's just who she is. She's also very good at this learning all the pharmacy subjects. I always sat beside her in class because she's one of those people who never talks in class. To me, she will always be the cool chick in class who always come into my room at random times to ask about lecture notes. I think we sort of bonded over our studies.

The third friend was someone I had never noticed of until A pointed it out. Since I had looked up to A, I thought that C was one of the guys who will inevitably fall in love with her.

So I actually disregarded him most of the times. Until it became apparent that A and C were also sort of questionably good friends/dating (we may never know).

Since I had no other choice, I had become the third wheel in their relationship. Initially, I have never really spoken directly to C and never really acknowledge him as a friend. I just regard him as a friend of A who I had to hang out with occasionally but if A is not around I wouldn't be hanging out with him because he wasn't really as sunshine friendly as A. However, as time goes by, I found out we had a lot in common surprisingly.

The thing is A like to call us the Three Musketeers which I secretly hated. Like come on, there has got to be a cooler name than that.

So the three of us were kind of inseparable ish.

Yeah. I think that covers most part of my first year in UM. I am sure I missed out on a lot of interesting tidbits but again, I have to write 3 more posts about my life in UM. I am too lazy to write in details.

I think my writing skills has deteriorated tremendously, though. Ack.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Structure Activity Relationship Between You and Me

Status: I miss you.
Song: Tomorrow by Han Hee Jung. This song is everything.

I did it.
I can't believe this.

I thought the day would have never come. It had felt like forever.

The last few days had been me trying to push through and jump over every hurdle coming at me.
Every time I was taking a break, I had imagined what it would feel like to finally getting this fyp or final year research project submitted.

Most of the time I had imagined myself in Taeyeon's place. Telling everyone else to go screw themselves and steal someone's car keys. Then, possibly drive to the ocean and meet my other hippie half. Pharmacy what? UM whu?

Basically, me after submitting my FYP.

Of course, that did not happen. 

In reality, I was dead tired after printing my fyp and helping my friends print out their dissertations.

Nevertheless, the smile on my face after letting all of that go had never left.

Gosh, it had felt like every burden that has been haunting me in every nook and cranny of my life is finally being lifted off my shoulders.
All those sad days, moments of frustration, lingering feelings of hopelessness had just vanished.

It had been fun and exhausting ride, this final year.

On the very last day of class, we had this farewell lunch with lecturers and staff.

After such happiness then came in the feeling of melancholy.

 As I stared at every hallway, rooms and people that had left a great impression on me for the past 4 years, I started to feel the hollowness creeping in.

 Damn, I am going to miss UM so bad despite all the shit they put me through. :')

I mean, I may not be crying on the outside while I stared at our Pharmacy Department building but the sadness is there. 

It will always be there for all the words I wasn't brave enough to say, for all the people I didn't appreciate enough and for all the memories I missed out on.

The regrets will stay throughout my whole life.
And all the happy memories will stay with me for the rest of my life and it will become more vivid every time I will go through a tough time.

I know it will happen because the high school part of me has never left either. 

University life has become such a huge part of who I am today. Whoever thought someone as a recluse and alone as me have found great companions here?


Sunday, April 17, 2016

How To Write 101 For Dummies

Status: When you are going through a phase that really urge you to cut your hair ;')
Song: Without You by NCT-U. I'm trash for SM boys with similar voice.

What I hate the most about my blog is the fact that people are talking about my average English level like I am William Shakespeare. I am not by the way. Just letting you all know that.

My grammar is slightly better than most of my peers but that's because I read more than any of my friends had when I was a child.

The only difference between me and the next person is my style of writing.

Firstly, I did not start writing like this.

Emphasizing on the fact that I grew up reading a lot. A lot in, 'I spent most of my weekend in this small rent-a-book store in Subang.'

One of the things I have picked up from all these reading was recognizing the style of people's writing and incorporating it in my own writing.

It's like one of my special skills. Hah.

Again, originally I had a vastly different style of writing.

When I was in my early teen years, I read a lot of stories with the main theme of mean girls such as Gossip Girl, Private series, and Pretty Little Liars series.

Therefore, in my early days of blogging and journal entries, I write like a bitch. I'm pretty sure the voice in my head sounded a lot like Kristen Bell as Gossip Girl. At some point in my life, my friends in school who read my ever-so-infamous journal called the journal, the Burn Book.

I also want everyone to know my theme song back then was The Veronicas' Popular. 'I get what I want, my name is my credit card' was my life motto.
I am guilty of using the word fugly but I did not try to make fetch happen. (x)

Then I embraced my emo phase also known as life is meaningless and everything is meaningless. I hate everyone era that I still do go through occasionally.

I think it was mostly because I read a lot of teen angst with the main character being an outcast. I led myself believed that I am an outcast and a loner. So, I tended to push people away.

I wrote a lot of depressing stuff too but mostly it's about I hate my friends, friendship is stupid kind of thing.

I bet one of the most listened songs during this era was CNBlue's Loner. Of course, these days I listened to GD's Crooked when I'm in this kind of mood.

Later on, I developed a sense of humor. Thanks to Louise Rennison's Confession of Gerogia Nicolson book series and to Slam Dunk because I just re-watched and obsessed about it.

Because the book was written in UK English, I used a lot of British terms such as snogging. I also used a lot of made up words written in the book such as adding -sity in every words and vair (means very btw).
so dumb but I love her (x)

There were a lot of weird funny shit going on in this series. The most memorable one to me was that one time Georgia was meeting her crush outside her house without wearing bra. It was cold, nipples were hardened and something had to be done. Not to mention, Dave the Laugh was the only crush that came from a book. <3 bringing="" for="" in="" into="" louise="" p="" peace="" rennison="" rest="" this="" wonderful="" works="" world.="">

Lastly, I was influenced by Misha Collins, my ultimate dreamy, perfect man, too wonderful for this world and few other comedians.

I made a Twitter account because of him. His style of writing is sort of the style I'm using currently.
WHICH is self-depreciating humor slash sarcasm slash sharp wit. 

Masterpiece caption.
So there ya go. The secret to my utterly awesome way of writing were a combination of all of these. When I get mad and feeling righteous, I bring out my best Blair Waldorf in me.
When I get sad, I write like an angsty teen while listening to Simple Plan's Perfect.
When I try to be funny, I try to write like I'm a writer on Saturday Night Live Amy Poehler era

.But then again, everyone has their own style. You should stick to your own.

Monday, April 11, 2016

10 Things You Didn't Know About Me

Status: This is a very self absorbed post.
Song: Work by Rihanna. Werk werk werk.

I once imagined myself hosting that show on History Channel called 10 Things You Didn't Know.

Only instead of American history, it was about me.

1. My dad named me after a journalist.

True story. I even took an effort to find what kind of article this person has written. 

2. My go to song when I get sad or happy or homesick is Queen's Don't Stop Me Now.

Any Queen songs are soothing to my soul. I personally think Queen has successfully gotten me through matriculation days. It was hard living in a place that no one has ever heard of and no wifi. I'm not sure how I even survived those days without WiFi. 

3. The only book I have re-read is Truman Capote's Breakfast at Tiffany's.

This may sounds weird but I cannot re-read a book. I don't see the point of suffering through a same story. Except for Breakfast at Tiffany's. There was a time where I would read this book every year. Now, I don't do this outdated thing called reading a book. Do people even read a book nowadays??

I like reading the book mostly because I really like the idea of living a life without any commitments. Holly Golightly was the epitome of 1940s YOLO.

4. I only watch movies that involve actors I know.
I am very picky when it comes to movie because the story has to be real good for me to care about the characters within 2 hours. The easiest way for me to be interested in a movie is knowing who the cast is. Most of the time, if I don't know the cast, the movie will be shit. These days though I only watch movies where I like the actors. 

5. I once liked a guy and his girlfriend found out except I didn't actually like him, I just don't like the idea of him having a girlfriend.
This actually made me look like an asshole but does this really requires an explanation? This was probably the reason why you shouldn't get too close with opposite sex. There is no such things as only friends when it comes to men and women. All friends can turn into more than friends if you accidentally saw something different in that person one day. Trust me, I read too many love story and listen too many love songs to prove this theory.

6.  My first crush used to called me CSI freak and it's the best and the most insulting nickname I have ever had.
CSI used to be my everything and if it wasn't for CSI, I wouldn't be so interested in reading, writing and editing video. Also, watching a tv show (I can never watch Heroes without reminding me of my old crush lol) for the sake of my crush was the only effort I have ever done to impress a crush. These days, crushes are meant to be admired from afar.

7. I actually stopped going to kindergarten for a whole year because no one wants to be friends with me. After that, I sort of accepted my destiny as a loner.
This is sort of true. I'm pretty sure I was 5 when I realized I hate meeting new people and kids are smaller version of dumb humans. Kindergartens are for losers and overrated anyway. 

8. I still use my first email for all my main account on the internet.
If you must know, is the first email I've made. 04 stands for 2004, the year I discovered email and Yahoo messenger.

Yahoo! was the coolest thing back then.

Yamora is actually a combination of two names or a ship/pairing between Yamato and Sora. That was like my first OTP and I don't regret my life choices.

9. My high school idol was Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl because I want to be mean to people.
I've learned the ways of evil glare, side-eyes and good snide/shady comments from Blair. I used to be a bitch and I hope I have become a lesser bitch now that I am an adult.

10. I don't know how to ride a bike and I swore to myself I will never ride one ever since I fell from the bike. 
The world has to run out of fuel before I will learn how to ride a bike. Mark my words.

Actually, this post has been in my drafts for several months. I am not sure why I've not posted it. 

Saturday, January 30, 2016

I Like You, Maybe I'm Just Like You

Status: I am watching too many Korean drama.
Song: Just Impolite by Plushgun

I was watching this drama all my girl friends were raving about.

It was enjoyable until it got heavy on the romance. Then it hit me, 'ah this would never happen to me'.

After that I got all emo about my single life because of course it could never happen to me; I got no man.

Aside from that, it got me thinking that Korean dramas have set up a high expectation of romance for single ladies (like me).

I mean does romance even exists outside Instagram, drama and viral videos?

We got all this viral post of guy doing insane things for the girl he loves. And all these single ladies will tweet about it with a hashtag #relationshipgoals and crying emoji.

And all those pictures of lovey-dovey couples and faceless boyfriends/girlfriends on Instagram with caption that made other girls swoon which I bitterly liked.

To be honest, I, myself never believe in romance but binge-watching K-dramas got me thinking twice about that stance.

I mean it's not like I'm expecting a big grand gesture of 'I love you' with expensive foods and gifts from a good looking guy.

Or one of those Korean dramas cliches where a guy hugs you from behind in the rain and said, 'Saranghae'.

It be nice just to have someone confessing to me under an umbrella (~you can stand under my umbrella ella ella eh eh~), whispering things like, 'When I do picture myself happy, it's with you.' (Winchester, 2010)

I'm being slightly delusional. I know that but it's better than a guy asking his friend to confess to the girl he likes because what is manhood am I right?? This is an actual typical Malay real life love story I've seen and I've experienced.

If you like someone but you're too scared to confess directly to them. It really shows how much effort you would do to take it to the next step with that person.

I like my man to be able to say whatever they want which leads to my evolution of Ideal Man prerequisite.

When I was 14, my ideal man was rich, looked like Jensen Ackles, and funny.

When I was 17, my ideal man was rich, dying old man and it be nice if he looks like Pak Lah. Y'all know PL was the most handsome PM we ever had.  I was planning to be a gold-digger by the time I finish high school.

Now, at 23, my ideal man is just a guy who will withstand my mood swings, my self-loathing, the uncomfortable silence and someone who can make me laugh or someone who will laugh at my jokes. I like my man with a sense of humor. I like guy who can sometimes go 'YOLO' with me and deal with consequence later.

See how mature I have become.
I just cast aside the superficial requirement.
It's something I have learned over the years of looking at others love life.

But as a mature person, I know that things don't go as planned. Me of all the people should know better than that. That's why I hate planning things out.

Maybe I won't get my ideal man.
Maybe I'll end up with a guy who has zero sense of humor and don't think my jokes are funny.

Or worse, maybe I have to marry a guy who likes outdoor activities and post hipster pictures on Instagram. That's like the worst case scenario.

No. Wait. The worst would be ending up with someone who doesn't like to eat outside and hates fast food. Which is the worst human ever, where's your humanity??

Maybe I'll end up all alone. But then I can achieve my dream to build a cat sanctuary and finally become the crazy cat lady.

Maybe I am not matured enough to be experiencing of having a significant other. I mean, compared to other girls out there, I don't even wear makeup.

I certainly don't have fashionable taste in clothes.

I sometimes, go out without brushing my hair. That's how high the level of my laziness in grooming.

If you ask me personally if I ever felt insecure whenever I looked at my friends and their complete transformation into a woman, I would say yes.

I wonder how did they decided to become a woman and make efforts to look pretty?
Is there a secret club I'm not in?

Truthfully, I have no idea why I'm writing this. I think it's just the leftover thoughts I had while watching too many K-dramas. All those so-called romantic scenes finally got to me.

Also you know what is the most annoying thing about romance drama?

It's the nice guys finish last concept they're implying in every drama I have watched.
You got a total cutie who always give you the best advice, listens to you and comfort you when you're at the lowest. But the second the douchebag treats you nice, you completely forget about that nice cutie who went through shit for you.
Fucking Boys Over Flower where the heroine doesn't even look like a student. SMH.

Seriously, I don't see it. I don't see any reason why I would want to be with a guy who made me cry and feel like shit when I got a perfectly nice guy waiting for me (still bitter over Dan/Blair).

This post has zero direction. I just ranted about what I hate the most in K-drama; pointless love triangle.

Anyway, this reminds me I need to wash away all this K-drama remnants with my favourite cannibalistic tv show, Hannibal.

In all seriousness, honestly, I don't want a man who I have to stand behind and be content living in his shadow.

I want a man who I can stand side by side and not afraid to call out on our bullshit because that's what a relationship or marriage should be and no one can tell me otherwise.