Sunday, March 5, 2017

Time Spent Walking Through Memories

Status: Even today I lived in the time of you.
Song: Fine by Taeyeon.
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How long has it been since I've been here? I know I've been saying this for years- I want to stop writing here. I sincerely, seriously thought of that but then I realize rhat I don't know who to talk to.

Isn't it sad that I have people coming up to me to talk about their problems but I don't have one single person to talk to?

I'm letting that sink in. How much I depend on this blog to hash things out even though I feel like my writing skills and the way I write have worsened over the years.

Really.

I may hate how I write things these days (it's a struggle because I want to write but my mind thinks all the things I've written are trash) but there is nothing more I hate than being melancholy and nostalgic about things in the past.

So, yeah. That happened. And it's not like UM level of nostalgia.
It's high school level.

This wouldn't happen if it weren't for my friend wanting to meet up with me last weekend.

The moment I agreed to meet up with him, I was anxious as fuck. It's weird to be anxious over meeting old pal but it was terrifying for me.

I almost backed out but knowing how persistent this friend is, he will probably keep contacting me until I see him.

So I did meet up with him. The moment I stepped into the car, I tried to be as talkative as I can be even though I have zero moods for talking.

We talked about literally everyone we both know of. It seems like he kept in touch with everyone while I don't. I'm okay with that. It's nice seeing how 7 years passed on and some people changed yet some remain the same.

Then, of course, the inevitable, 'You have a boyfriend?' question popped up.

Me, smiling sheepishly (by that I meant proudly), "Nope, you?"

He grinned and said he's with his high school sweetheart now. I was shocked but sort of expected it.

But wow. Truly. What kind of true love is that? That means they have been together since we were 14?? Then I remembered I used to be their third wheel.

I remembered I was dragged by his girlfriend with the promise of 'we're hanging out together let's go'. That ended up with my first betrayal by people in love. I still remembered the numerous expletives I thought of in my head when they went for lunch together and left me with my then-nemesis and ex-crush. People in love are selfish. Fact.

Then the weird awkward period where they broke up and I was like the middle person. His girlfriend used to pull me aside and sincerely asked me if this precious friend of mine is doing okay. Like wow.

I guess truluv  is real. I've seen it with my own eyes. I don't think I've ever been happy for a couple in real life as much as I am for them.


We also talked about how different the culture and people of our school and of our universities. Like the whole race thing. How back in our school days, we befriended everyone and make insensitive comments about everything (only teenagers would make a joke about terrorism). Now, the dividedness between races is so evident.  It's like as we grow older, we seem to be only befriending people with the same skin colour. It's sad because some of the funniest and greatest friends I have are not Malays.

We shared our agreement about of so many people we met from across the country, people from PJ are the best Malay-English speakers. I told him that I haven't spoken in English with a friend in years. AND it is really different. Like even when we're texting each other, the way I text changed completely. I only type out 'You' fully instead of 'u' and proper grammar with my school friends. It was like a different world where full-stops are actually being used and not as a hint that the person on the other side is in a bad mood.

It was going okay until he mentioned this other friend.
He asked me, 'Have you been keeping in touch with ___?'

Yes. My favourite friend from high school who is also the only person from high school I've been in touch with regularly. By regularly, I meant twice a year. To wish each other well on our birthdays.

So I straight up told him that the last time I've contacted this person, it was during my birthday-ish.

I knew where this was going (social media has been helpful)  but I was curious. I questioned why he asked and he told me that this person has been avoiding and ignoring everyone but two people where one of them happened to be me. :/

This person has been off the grid from his high school gang for few years it seems. I don't really know what's going on except I wasn't ready to be dragged into another soap opera cliches.

I straight up told my friend that I did think of wanting to ask the guy about it during the last time we were texting each other but I thought it would probably worsen the situation and he would then cut me off too.

Then he replied something so vague of how that person would only talk about certain things with certain people and I was triggered. lol.

Seriously.

Suddenly I was hit by feelings I've abandoned and flashbacks of our history came to me. Of all the people I've met, this person was the one who I had some of the wildest rides in terms of friendship. There were times where I used to hate him to the point we weren't talking for a whole year and times where I consider him as my true friend to the point where I told him, he can be my maid of honour.

Basically, I came for a good time with an old friend but I came home with a huge baggage. I felt like I was being a bad friend. I cut off contact with my high school friends because I don't want to miss them. However, this friend of mine may be going through some weird times and I didn't even know it.

I kept thinking, what if during all the times he told me he wanted to meet up with me but I kept refusing and he coolly accepts my lame ass excuses were actually the only way I can know what's really going on??

Shit. All the teas that I could have had.

A few days later, I was bombarded with old high school memories everywhere I go. :')

Then Taeyeon released her emo album, :') "I'm fine."

I don't know why but I miss the simple but dramatic high school life. Like the only thing we were worried about is SPM yet we did nothing about it. I haven't miss high school in years. But damn, the nostalgia feels hit so hard this time.

It worsens when one of the topics we were talking about is how depressing working adult life would be.

'Work only to go to sleep and work again' kept ringing in my ears.

Like ohmygod, I was so depressed recalling that every time I wake up in the morning.

This whole week I questioned why and what is the purpose of living just to work like a slave every day?

What is the point of living right now?

Believe me. I was not ready for this life crisis I'm having. But then, a small voice in my mind reminded me of this scene where one of the NCT boys read out an excerpt from a book a fan gave to him. Or so the story goes..

(The background of this story was this NCT member was exposed to have scammed people when he was 13/14 years old and the company made him apologise without addressing directly what he actually he did. It practically went downhill from there.)

The small voice in my mind grew louder when a forum topic popped up of how almost all the bad rumours about this guy were proven to be false. I was so emotional about it because that meant the company had made him apologise for the things he didn't even do and get hated even more for 3 years?? He even cried on tv while apologising for this bullshit?? He was pushed by the company so much as the center of his group which technically made him get hated even possibly more.

Like wow. My heart was breaking for him. Why is he still in this business who truly did him dirty?

At that time, I realised that if this person is still willing to be in an industry where he was being hated for his past, then why can't I be in one where I'm have nothing to be hated yet??

I would probably won't enjoy working but at least I'm going to find happiness and warmth in the smallest things life have presented to me.


http://taetohan.tumblr.com/post/157016358381/taeyong-reading-an-excerpt-from-to-the-precious

Friday, December 30, 2016

2016: Year In Review

Status: 2016 is running for the worst year in the 2010s.
Song: Fuck It by BIGBANG. This post was made as half-assed as this song was made.
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Every year I make this obligatory post which I don't really see the point of it anymore. It's for fun though.

For previous year posts, refer here,here, here, here and here.
Basically the whole 2016. 
It's like as years gone by, the worse they gotten. Political wise, entertainment wise and personal life have just gotten worse as the year progressed. Who would have thought Trump won the Presidential election? Just proving what kind of shitty people live in the US.
Or almost all kpop groups (4Minute, KARA, Rainbow, 2NE1) from my era disbanded?


Pop Culture of 2016
This is a special section because I love the drama and the tea being spilled in 2016. I could only hope 2017 brings me more tea.
1. First off, queen of being overexposed, Taylor Swift. She broke up with Calvin Harris which was messy but then the whole Hiddleswift shenanigans was so unexpected because Tom Hiddlestone was Tumblr's British Boyfriend. Everyone literally dropped Tom's ass after he got together with Taylor. I was enjoying the meme and practically living the life until they anticlimactically broke up.

2. The messiest and juiciest scandal this year also goes to Taylor Swift getting exposed by Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? I'm living for that scandal. Let ha get exposed for the snake she is. 🐍 Then, Selena trying to back Taylor up was hilarious because it backfired in her face. ICONIC
.
3. The one about American Olympic swimmers got caught vandalising a gas station in Brazil. Just the embarrassment from being the citizens of USA gets me cackling.

4. Camila leaving Fifth Harmony and everyone celebrating it was so wild because who is Fifth Harmony? The videos of Camila ruining the groups' performance is my favourite go to video.

5. Also Teyeon vs Wiz Khalifa drama was the shit in terms of k-pop drama. It produced this meme.

i'm crying at this tweet

6. That and all the mess that come out after 2NE1 disbanding. YG being the sneaky lizard that he is should be burned to the ground after BIGBANG enlist in the army.
shameless lizard trying to make money of MADE album with only 3 new half-assed songs after 1 whole year.
7. Seolhyun and Zico got caught dating was sad because all the pictures released showed Seolhyun running to his apartment while Zico, the lazy ass never tried to pick her up. What an ass.

8. Kai stole Lay's ideal girl, Krystal was the best dating news in 2016.



Songs Of 2016

I thought I could leave k-pop this year. Boy, was I wrong lmao. Again, reminding everyone that these songs played a huge role in my life in the year 2016. They have nothing to do with high-quality music and not all of them were released in 2016.

1. Cheer Up by TWICE. This song I believe was the most played song on my iPod this year. I had it on repeat while I was walking to the faculty and trying to escape the reality of final year by mentally dancing to this song.

2. Goodbye by SNSD. This was the song that I ironically listened to weeks before I left UM for good. It gave me a good closure to my UM friends because as SNSD sang, it's a really really good goodbye.

3. The 7th Sense by NCT U. I called this the sex song. I feel like it would be a good song to listen before getting it down if you know what I mean( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). The reason why I love this song is because it calms my nerve while I drive. Also, they sounded really sexy with all the moans and with the 'We'll take it slow'.🌚
It doesn't help with this guy looking like this while performing this song. Serving us some Jack Frost realness.

4. Tomorrow by Han Hee Jung. The next most played song I listened to while I was walking to my class was this song. This song was my inspiration for a lot of things and it really helped me overcome my struggles with life in general.

5. How Deep Is Your Love by Bee Gees. I wanted to be in love because of this song. This song got me thirst for a boyfriend. I found myself singing to this song a lot this year while smiling alone. I'm going to tell you why in the upcoming part.

6.Closer by The Chainsmokers. I mean who doesn't sing out loud to this song every time it comes on the radio? The Chainsmokers has really nailed the way to get people hype up.

Honorary mentions: Tiffany's What Do I Do, EXO's Heaven, IOI's Pick Me, Red Velvet's Oh Boy, NCT127's Another World and Calvin Harris's This Is What You Came For before Harris-Swift messy breakup ruined it.


Series of 2016

Instead of tv shows, this year I ventured a lot into playthrough series on Youtube. I know pewdiepie can be annoying and unfunny sometimes but his playthrough on Uncharted 4 was so good. I watched the whole series during my last weeks in UM. I watched it during my dinner at UM, when I break fast and also when I had my meals during sahoor. Great memories to remember lol.

The Uncharted 4 game reminds me a lot of Sam and Dean. Nate, the game character was super hot and funny like Dean. Not to mention, the graphics and its' landscapes were breathtaking and made me really want to buy PS4 just so I could play it myself.

Another series I got myself binge watched was The Walking Dead games. Another great games. I cried with pewds while watching him play the game. That's how attached I am to those games.

In terms of American tv shows, I only watched The Walking Dead and Supernatural this year. They weren't outstanding, though. For Korean tv shows, I really felt Misaeng changed my life in how I see working life. It was my kind of drama, I love how every character is complex and no one is solely evil or good. Signal remained the best Korean drama released in 2016 even with that disappointing ending. Most of the romantic Korean drama were boring but that's only because I'm not a big fan of romance.

I know a lot of people were sad over Running Man ending in early next year. Truthfully, I have never been a fan of Running Man because I always find myself get tired after seeing them running around. That's how much I hate running.
I got goosebumps too. Also, Kim Jaeduck is bae.
Korean variety shows also played a big role in my 2016. The most impactful one was SechsKies reunion on Infinite Challenge. That was the best variety show I've seen in years. It was so hilarious, sad and most importantly, it made me realise how these oppars in the end are human and they aren't getting any younger. Their earnest in trying to make the reunion successful is inspiring. I hope years later, TVXQ, Super Junior, SNSD, 2NE1 would be able to reunite as successful as Sechskies and I would be there to watch it.


People of 2016
Sure, my family, friends are the best people in 2016. Who cares? Let's move on the real reason why I still have this section.

Remember how last year, my saviour was Seungri and Lay? Pfft.
This choreography saved my life.
No, I lied. I still love them. They still pulled me through from a lot of things, especially during my UM days.

However, a girl's heart is always easily swayed.

I have been lowkey about this boy because it felt weird liking someone who is 4 years younger than me. But you know how certain songs remind you of someone? It's inevitable, How Deep Is Your Love reminds me of these boys especially this one particular boy.
Your face should be illegal.
Jung Jaehyun. There are only two types of boys; cute or sexy. You can't be both.

Jaehyun is both of them. I am so conflicted and angry at his entire existence. He's so soft at the same time probably lowkey kinky as fuck. His face is a blessing, he's a great singer, dancer, rapper, cook and can speak English well.

The group he's in, NCT, is the second boy group after Super Junior where I'm heavily invested in. I'm not that heavily invested in EXO nor Big Bang but NCT got me surprised with their members' personalities and their group dynamics is so refreshing. In addition, their first album is damn good. Another World should have been their title track.


I want nothing but the best for this group in 2017.

I like to think my taste in men is at an all time high ever since I've moved on from my short trashy crush on G-Dragon. #blessed



Moving on to a more personal part of Year In Review.



Regrets of 2016
I have a lot of regrets this year because I'm indecisive. I can't name all of them but I'm going to try anyway.

1. This may sound surprising but I regret about my trip to Sabah with my friends. I didn't have regrets until I saw the beach in Boracay. I remember the feeling I had when I saw the beach for the first time. I get to see this view with this group of girlfriends who spontaneously asked me if I wanted to join their trip a year ago while we were eating cakes.

There were no meticulous planning nor hard feelings involved. Somehow, the Sabah trip was way more problematic even at planning stage. I feel like there were a lot of bad things came out of this trip more than the good things. One of the things was I had to choose a side between two people. TWICE. Just because they couldn't just communicate with each other. I learnt from this trip not to care about other's relationship. If they suddenly decided to end their friendship over petty things, then I should not care and be unaffected about it. They're adults. They should deal with the consequence later.

However, the good outcome was that I had a lot of honest talks with a lot of people regardless if they went to Sabah or not.

P.S. I could have gone to Korea instead of Sabah. :')) I could have met Korean people and made friends like I did in Boracay.


2. Besides that, I regret not meeting up with my school friend when he asked me twice. I chickened out. I basically ignored his message for weeks and then later replied with the typical'I didn't realise you sent me a message because I'm hardly online on Facebook :('. I literally insert a sad face emoji just to show how 'forgetful' I am.

He, knowing me well enough, probably knew I was lying but just went with my lies. I don't know why I did that but I think it's mostly because I didn't want to know how much we have changed over the years and we might not be able to have a proper conversation. I just did not want to get disappointed with the only person who has known me when I was at my worst.


3. Also, I missed out an opportunity to apply for an internship at my favourite local online news portal. I could have just applied but I backed out because I didn't want to face the judging stare from my parents. Fuck pharmacy.


4. But the biggest regret was my whole choices during one of the last nights in UM. All the choices I made leading up to that night was questionable. Bear with me because this is going to turn into a rant and shit post.

Whoever thought that all the Malays students in final year Pharmacy UM should hang out together is a dumb idea. I don't know what or who they were trying to prove to in trying to unite the Malays. I mean the Chinese were united but who cares?

Because everyone (mostly) thought it was a dumb idea and we didn't want to spend the last night with each other, most of my girl friends ignored the idea. I would have followed their wise decision if it weren't for those good friends of mine.

They were like, 'oh this is fun and heartwarming, good for the soul' or some shit. Naturally, I conceded because it's good for my tainted soul. This would have been okay but then shit hit the fan when they argued about where to eat.

That was the most dramatic discussion in deciding where to eat. I personally see no problem in eating at some dumb steamboat restaurant but then because I thrived on drama, I decided to side with the people who didn't want steamboat. It was all fun seeing people argue until it gets in the way of me focusing on studying. The whole overreaction from certain people was so stupid. It almost ended some friendship and I lived for this overblown argument.

I thought it would be fun if I passive-aggressively tweeted about it. I tweeted by conveying how stupid this whole idea of Malays gathering together when in fact we were fighting. Then somehow people found out and probably get offended by it. Basically, I just sort of ended the fighting with a cold war.

We ended up eating at two separate tables. How ironic. We weren't really talking to each other for the whole night. Of course, the main true aim of this night was to take a group photo and showcased it to the whole world how united is the Malays of UM Pharmacy 2012/2016. It was so awkward and stupid.

Later on, I probably made another stupid decision by hanging out at a rooftop of a newly built building in UM at midnight while talking about horror stories. WHAT KIND OF DENSE WHITE PEOPLE IN HORROR MOVIE LIKE DECISION DID I MAKE?

Me: Let's not follow these people and trespassing off limits rooftop  could get us expelled. Ghosts could kill us.
Me to me: Let's have horror storytime on the rooftop at midnight

To be honest, I hate horror movies and scared shitless of ghost. On the contrary, I have ego the size of the sun and I cannot for the life of me express that in public. So I act all chill and poked fun at one of my friends instead. Then, some supernatural shit happened but I have erased it out of my memory. I still think it was all fake.

I remembered before going to sleep how I wished that I had just stayed in my room and have dinner while watching Uncharted 4 playthrough alone.



Highlights of 2016
1. Most people at my age would probably say the highlight of their life would be their graduation day. It's important I guess but the thing is I didn't feel anything about it. My mum was more excited about it than me. My graduation day was like a whole blurry picture.

It felt like I just finished my school. What did I do for the past 4 years for me to celebrate that much? All I did was studying and make sure to score just enough to pass. Nevertheless, I'm thankful I guess.


2. Another highlight in 2016 was when I jumped off a cliff in Boracay. I wasn't planning on jumping. However, one of my friends was so scared of jumping into the ocean so I thought if I did, she would jump as well.

To be honest, I was scared but I gotta act all nonchalance because my horoscope is Leo. Anyway, the thing about jumping into the ocean is the moment you step onto the edge of the cliff, you get hesitant. You get all these discouraging voices in your head. You could tune out if you stop thinking at that moment but that can be hard for some people. When you finally overcome that moment of hesitation, you jumped instantly.

That's the best thing I've done this year. That moment when you submerged into the water and suddenly there's no noise but your own breathing. That was the most peaceful feeling I've had this year. It felt like those dreams where you fall.


3. Out of all the dramatic things happening this year, the good ones are always with the girls. Anis and Qila were so bummed over the fact that they missed out on my graduation day (which I couldn't care less), they asked me to bring my robe to take photo together at a park in KL. Since it was a last minute plan, by the time we arrived at the park, it was dark. I thought to myself, 'Wow, this sucked but I had so much fun chilling at some expensive restaurant and shamelessly wearing my robe lmao'.

It was nice catching up with the girls and seeing how they both struggled with their university life makes me feel good because I thought I was the only one struggling with my shitty UM pharmacy. I could see Anis seemed to be the one struggling the most but at least she had pure intention for doing dentistry. I wanted to do pharmacy because I thought I get a job automatically after I graduate. What a bunch of a bullshit I've been lied to.


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I feel like doing this Year In Review post is useless because every year by December I am so over of the whole year. December is my least favourite month because it always gets me feeling shitty. By next December, it would be the same thing again.

I have wanted to give an update of my life right now. Currently, I am slowly using less of Instagram. I have completely stopped using Facebook. These days I rarely even go to Tumblr anymore. The only social networking site I'm using frequently is Twitter. However, I made another account where I only follow news feed accounts, celebrities and strangers online who share the same interest as me.

I definitely feel much happier surprisingly. I think it's because I don't have to care or compare my life with others now that I know nothing about them. Heck, on some days I don't even read my Whatsapp. I guess you could say I've removed the negativity in my life by just distancing myself from people.

I finally understand the real meaning of that one line in Billy Joel's Vienna.


Truthfully, I don't know what's going to happen in 2017. I'm going to be an actual adult with working and adult stuff like paying taxes and voting for the election. However, I feel like 2017 is going to a shitty year. I can feel it in my gut. So, fuck me up 2017.
Body rolling into 2017.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Dream Post #1 - I Don't Wanna Feel Nothing


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Last night, I couldn't sleep. I sincerely think I'm having bouts of insomnia these past months.

The worst thing about not being able to sleep is you are left to your own thoughts. Sometimes, that very same own thoughts are your worst enemy.

It could lead you to think life isn't worth living anymore and future is a terrifying uncharted course.

That is what exactly happened last night. Hundred times of tossing and turning couldn't get me to doze off.

I started to realise that I had nothing to look forward. I can't feel anything anymore. The future seemed so bleak right now. I don't see myself doing anything in the future.

It was so depressing that I don't even cry anymore.

Then somehow, I fell asleep after feeling like shit.

This dream felt so real. I was at an LRT station. I was going to search for a job but no one wanted me.
As someone who is introverted, getting rejected after gathering all my courage and strength going from one interview to another is a huge blow to me.

I can still feel that helpless feeling while not wanting to face the disappointment from my family again. I didn't want to go home.

I just didn't know what to do. So I sat on the floor of some LRT station while staring off into space.

Until someone appeared in my view. This was so shocking because what the fuck is Jung JoonYoung doing in my dream. The exhibitionist who was kicked out of variety shows because of his sex scandal and now travelling around the world as a 'reflection'.
He's the ultimate IDGAF about anything.

Thankfully (or unfortunately), there was no sex involved. He came in front of me and suddenly sat beside me. We talked which didn't make any sense right now because we're speaking different languages here.

Anyway, here I was talking to this guy and I told him everything about how I feel. He actually understood how I feel. He never talked about his problem or anything. He just sat beside me and listened to whatever embarrassing feelings I wanted to talk about.

At some point, we reached a new level of understanding. I finally had someone who understood me. I was so relieved to get my thoughts out and they're not eating me from inside out. I was feeling good again and I gained back my hope or will to move on forward.

I'm also pretty sure he then proceeded to play his guitar. True rock star even in my dream.

I woke up feeling like cold water had just been poured over me. That it was all a dream. That I had not met Jung Joon Young. That I had not met anyone who understands what I'm feeling.

I was devastated. I felt like I lost my only true friend.

I realised that my dream was telling me that I, of my whole life, never let anyone listen to my fucked up thoughts. People would tell all kinds of personal stories to me but I didn't think they would understand what kind of shitty thoughts have been brewing up in my mind.

I like to push my thoughts and problem away because I am good at avoiding things until it blows up in my face. I am the best at not thinking about my own feelings and instead distract myself with other superficial things. Lately, my distraction is the newly debuted boy group, NCT with unlimited numbers of members. They were the only ones who can make me feel happy even if it just for a while.

Hence, my subconscious conjured up someone who was willing to listen to me talking about my seemingly-no-hardship life. It was just so happened to be in form of Korean rock star who also seemingly to be not affected by his scandal.


After that, I felt the urge to listen to this song, Another World by NCT127. I felt like a light has shown me to see the way of what I am feeling right now. What a coincidence.

Even when I try to hold tightly, you disappear
Even when I extend my hand, I can’t reach you
I don't wanna feel nothing.Idon'twannafeelnothing.Idon'twannafeelnothing. 
This feeling right now so good so high
I don’t want to wake up, I wish time would stop right now

Thursday, November 10, 2016

In 5 Years Time

Status: In 5 years time, you might just prove me wrong.
Song: 5 Years Time by Noah and the Whale
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I have wanted to write this kind of post ever since this video was made. I miss this show.





I actually had written halfway through another post called, 'To The Future Me' but then I lost the inspiration to write it. For your information, I have 50 unfinished drafts saved on this blog. So yeah I can never see things to the end.

To the 5 years old me,
I bet your short experience with the outside world traumatised you so much that you skipped one whole year worth of kindergarten days.You may wonder why you can't get along with other stupid kids. You may feel sad when other kids were playing around while you just stare from afar.

I want to say I'm sorry but you will always be the quiet girl. This will follow you everywhere you go and people will never understand us. You don't even know why you turned out this way. Therefore, be strong. You're alone against this world but at least you've known this earlier than anyone else. Don't worry. You will make friends. You're smart, smarter than most of those kids. You also got your family. You will get through this even though it doesn't feel like it.


To the 10 years old me,
I know that you tried really hard to fit in. You had followed your friends everywhere they go. Friends that you will forget their names and faces when you leave this shithole that is this school. Believe me when I say that you won't enjoy following them.You will be learning the consequences of following them. Like seriously joining scouts?? You don't even like marching.

Getting attached to them does you no good because like everything in your life, no one stays with you forever. When primary school ends, you won't be seeing them anymore because life is just that way where they put you on a lesser travelled road. Nevertheless, it will be the best thing your measly life has put you in.


To the 15 years old me,
How have the boys been treating you there? Insufferable? Yeah, I thought so. Boys have taken up quite an interest in you. You will encounter different types of boys in the coming days of your high school life. Some have made your life slightly harder. Some of them might even change your perspective on life too.

To be honest, I'm proud of you at this point. You have decided to do your own thing in your own way. You did not get attached to any of your friends neither did you follow them doing stupid things. You embraced the loner in you. It does get tough though especially when you're tired of being strong alone. Sometimes, you wish you could break the cold exterior you put up. It's okay to cry sometimes even if you don't know why.

P.S. I hope you know that the Jensen Ackles you have seen in television on one late night will remain the most attractive man you have ever laid your eyes on.


To the 18 years old me,
You thought you won't live this long did you? You thought you won't live long enough to actually graduate from high school nevertheless college. You thought life after high school is something unthinkable. So you didn't plan out your life.

You let fate decides on a lot of things. You didn't care what will happen in 5 years time because you still don't see any future. You don't see yourself living in 5 years time. I wish you didn't. I wish you were like your high school friends who seemed to have their life together. I wish you didn't concede to what your parents want or anyone else. I wish you take control of your life.

You didn't. You just went with wherever your life decided to take you when you failed to get a scholarship to study overseas. You were depressed so you just let anything happens to you. You didn't care. I wish you did even though it hurts.


To the 20 years old me, 
Nothing has changed for you. You're still the same but you have let people in. I'm proud of that. I hope you cherish the small moments you had there because you will miss those people at the weirdest time. Like on a rainy morning or at 3am when you can't fall asleep.

Unfortunately, this too shall pass. This university life too will pass and you still live on. I know you still think you won't live past the university life. That's why you still don't plan things out or care about your future like your friends. You're a robot who just live day to day.

At this point, there is nothing you can do. You're stuck with this life. Might as well live in the moment.

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This has gotten way too depressing but honestly, I still think I won't live long enough to see myself in the next 5 years. It has been that way since high school.

What triggered me to write this was a story I've read. It's about how demons have taken over the world and years later, human still lives on and survive despite how bleak and morbid the world has become. I love this kind of story where future is so bleak people rather die than be alive.

It reminded me that when you thought you could never live through something but then time moves on so fast you didn't realize you actually had gone past through another phase of your life.

Right now, I know I'm feeling hopeless about my future because I have no idea what to do with my life while my friends seem to get at least a gleam of an idea what they will be doing in the future.

It scares me so much of this uncertainty that is my future. Every time I realize I got rejected for a job again, I get slightly depressed and my ego bruised, I want to avoid everyone as time starts to move slowly. It's hell on earth literally.

That's why I have buried myself under hours of watching videos on Youtube and tv shows. I avoid human contact and I have revert to the old me. The old me who refuse to socialize with anyone because seeing them makes me feel like shit.

Anyway. I have just made this post a tad more depressing. I'm going to stop here before it got too deep.
A mantra to myself to keep living.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Please Say You Won't Let Go // The Final Year

Song to listen: Shake It Out by Florence and The Machine




As I write this post, few days have passed since my graduation ceremony ended. There is nothing more I hate than goodbyes.


There are so many things I have wanted to say to these people. There things I want to show them. There are secrets and thoughts I want to share with. There are still some jokes left I want to tell them.


There is just so many things I have not done with them.

I don't know what to do with this feeling. I was not ready for this graduation to come so soon.

I don't know if I want to seek future without any of you by my side.

How come all of you are moving on so fast, leaving me behind in this race?


How am I supposed to catch up when you're miles away?

_________________________________________________________________________
Final year


It's the year of stress, frustration, and everything in between.


You don't understand the struggle until you experience final year.

It's the point where you no longer care about As or 4 flat.

It's getting over the last hurdle to graduation that matters.


But truly though, I think most of the stress came to me was because of my procrastination.

I mean I don't think I have undergone the pressure of deadlines until I met final year.


There were so many waves of desperation and depression waiting at the bay during this period.

Like I cried while listening to Taeyeon's I more than I can count with my own hands.


But I think we all can get the gist of how I struggled through the final year based on my previous posts.


So let me talk about the people that matter to me during my final year at UM.


We called ourselves Team Sejuk or Sejok. The name behind this name was because one of us were curious if boys really do get hard during cold weather. It's not me who was curious, just letting yall know that.


The thing is I didn't expect to latch on them so suddenly. I didn't know I would get so attached to these people in a short amount of time.


Individually, I personally don't think we're compatible with each other.


First, there's C who is the most opinionated, outspoken Malay boy I've ever met with the most peculiar English accent. That is basically the opposite of me.


The most standout thing about him is he always tells us how he's different when with different people. Sometimes, I wondered if he ever thought me as a friend or just someone who he could benefit from. However, as I have come to know him, his backstory, thoughts, and feelings were more complex than I could fathom.


The funny thing is he's the one who unexpectedly has been by my side since the first year. We even took outside faculty subjects together. Due to this unplanned circumstance, my friends always suspect there is something more than platonic going on which is kind of sad because there is none. (I'm still single :|)

If there's one thing I like about C of the 4 years I've known him is his ambition and vision. I admire his tenacity and bravery of dreaming big things for himself. I don't usually like seeing others achieving their dream (because I'm bitter af) but I wish nothing but the best for him.



Second, there's G who I personally think is the mood maker of the group. Never it has ever come across my mind to befriend this fella. Initially, I thought he was too bright and I hate sunshine kind of people. Later on, I found out he's temperamental and I avoided him like a plague because I don't want to get on his bad side.


Then I realized something about him. He attracts drama around him. You know me well enough that I looove drama. Therefore, I like listening to his neverending drama happening to him. Also, he can drive anywhere I want. Being friends with him seems like a good idea to me.


As time goes by, he's more than a useful driver to me. He isn't as temperamental as I initially thought. I realized I have power over him; he sort of feared me/respect me. I like the fact by just giving him a glare and he understood right away I shouldn't be messed with. :)


He has known me so well that I felt like he must really like me even though I literally have zero effort in trying to impress him. I know I always like to tease him (mostly about his sexuality. with reasons ok) and make him do things but I really really do admire him. I am always in awe of his loyalty of being a good friend. He's the kind of friend that you need in your life.



Third, there's H who is the most laid back girl I've ever met. She's way more laid back than me. This person was someone I didn't expect to befriend with. At least not this close. I'm 100% sure if it weren't for this arrangement we were in, I wouldn't be this close to her.


Mostly because she's someone who I personally think as effortlessly pretty. Some people are blessed with great genes and she is one of them. To be honest, I don't get along well with pretty girls. Acquaintance? I can do that but as close friend? I don't think so. I don't really know why but I always felt intimidated by these beautiful girls.


So our friendship is some kind of a rare girl friendship I will probably ever have. I'm going to cherish that. There are so many things I look up to her but one thing that always stands out to me is her bravery to be opinionated. You know how hard it is to be a strongly opinionated girl??


She's like more YOLO than me. That is why she is such an enjoyable person to hang out with. Any guy who won her heart must be one of a kind, I tell ya.



Lastly, J, the easiest person to get along with. Instead of being complete opposites, we have more things in common. Like sort of similar taste in guys. We actually bonded over a boy back in the second year alongside D.


Anyone who likes the same boy as me is automatically a friend of mine. That's a fact. However, on my first impression, J's inseparableness to H was offputting to me. They were practically attached at hips. So I thought they must be one of those super exclusive friends who only befriends with certain people.


I was wrong, of course. J and H are completely opposite of that. They are friendly to everyone. One of the things I like about J is that she's the most okay-est person I've met. You know how some people have opinions and preferences. J doesn't. She always accomodates to whatever the others want.


She's just the right balance we need in our group. If she weren't there, this group would have fallen apart in days.



So yeah. These 4 people made a huge impact on my final year. I don't think I will ever regret meeting them. Even when they annoyed me or makes me feel sad.


__________________________________________________________________


Truthfully, I regret making this series of posts. By the time I've reached my third year post, I got bored of writing them. So you can see how half-hearted I have written them. Well, I won't ever make this kind of posts again.


There are so many things I want to write about but I forgot what I want to write.


Recently, as I was moving and organizing my 4 years worth of photos during my time in UM from my old phone to my computer, I got inexplicably sad while looking at it.


Time moves so quick like I still feel I haven't gotten the right closure with this certain phase of my life.


On the very graduation day, I didn't actually have a proper goodbye moments with these people. I got real sad when the last memory I had with them is me in my car driving away while they looked for me.


Like this is some next level sad romance movie.


I don't know if I can live with this kind of closure. That's why I decided to write this final year post mainly about them.

This is like the last picture we took together before graduation.

I am not an optimistic person, I'm a realistic person. I know the lies we tell to each other about keeping in touch with each other. Those sweet little lies I've been telling to my college friends who I've held dearly and to my high school friends who changed my life.


I know that it may not be true. But for the first time in my life, I really hope, no, I pray that we will constantly keep in touch and we won't forget about all the good things that have come from this and also the bad things as well.


For once, I want my version of How I Met Your Mother/Friends gang to be these people.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

The Third Year in UM


Third year was my favourite part of UM because this was how university life should be. Drama, meeting new people, and a lot of late night outings with just the right balance of studying.

I finally have a taste of what it's like to be a person with normal social life at my age. I don't think I regret anything during my third year.

In terms of academics, it was my golden era if I do say so myself. I think it's because I like solving problems and clinical subjects were exactly that with their case questions. That was my favourite because it always gets complicated but not complicated enough for me to not see the answers most of the time.

Honestly, I have been scoring surprisingly well because of C. I like challenges so when C declared he wanted to beat me in test scores, I was like mentally motivated to accept the challenge. For the next two years of my UM life, my end goal was to beat him haha which I did by landing myself on Dean's List in my first semester of third year. What a glorious day it was. That was my magnum opus in the life of a UM pharmacy student.


I was so excited to write about this specific phase of my life, I literally forgot what I wanted to write. So I'm going to write with no outline here and my apologies if I get sidetracked.


As I mentioned above, I had gotten to know a lot of people because I had made it my resolution to hang out with every Malay girls in my class because of what happened in my second year. Along the way, I've met some of the coolest and some are worth keeping in touch with.

First off, there was F. I took notice of him when we were in the second year but I really got to know him at the start of the third year. All those late night hangouts really had gotten us closer. I deemed him as one of my precious friends in UM because he was the only one who had discovered a way to lift my mood when I'm feeling agitated or down.

Normally, most people would just give me some space and let me  cool off alone which is the most reasonable thing to do. However, this fella just shamelessly google pictures of the guys I was interested in at that time and quietly send it to me one by one.

It always worked even though I want to give him my deathly stares. I cannot help but smile at those stupid messages. F knows me so well in terms of my taste in attractive boys. The thing I like the most about F is that he seems like a really loyal, good friend which is hard to come by these days. I could never know if he truly is a good friend but the way he is and how his action is made me feel thankful for having such dependable friend. I mean I don't think I'll ever forget the time he skipped a class so he could buy my birthday presents. Not to mention I could never listen to Big Bang 's Loser without being reminded of him.

You know some people would say something like,'hey we should hang out soon' but they never really did anything about it. F is not that kind of person because he kept bringing up the hotel buffet outing he wanted to go with me. That was one of the first dinner I had with my friends on a weekend. I miss Group Hotel What The Hell because good food with good company is one of the finer things in life everyone should experience.

Among all the girls I have gotten to know, these group of girls was the ones who I truly enjoyed hanging out with at random times. At one point, we went out regularly on Tuesday that we were called Geng Makan Selasa. I remembered feeling out of place with all of them but getting excited at the prospect of finally making my circle of friends larger. I finally feel at ease when they started gushing about Korean boys and kpop. That is when I know I will get along fine with the girls and enjoy the outing at Seoul Garden.

Nothing really beats the bonding of girl friendship than over unattainable boys with great skin and perfect hairstyle.


Of course. Then there were these 4 very important people I've encountered in UM that made my university life dramatically more enjoyable. I don't even know where to start with these people. There are just so many things I want to talk about.

I remember the time we first hung out. It was basically the first time I get to hang out till late at night and have nonstop discussion about things that I never expected to talk about. I think the McDonald's situated in USJ will forever be a historical place for me.

I remember thinking, 'Is this the start of something new?'
I remember feared that it may be a one time thing.

Is it though?