Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Food that Offends Me

Status: Unemployed and loving it.
Song: Russian Roulette by Red Velvet.

When I was a child, I used to be a very picky eater. I just can't comprehend eating rice every day. They always tasted dull to me.That's because I put the side dishes on the side instead of onto the pile of rice like a normal Malaysian would do.

Fast forward to several years, I'm less picky towards food. I sometimes see food as a source of energy/chore instead of a thing you enjoy in life. Like I can't tell any difference between any spaghetti bolognese I've ever tasted. Therefore, I don't have a favourite pasta dish.

It's a well-known fact that I don't eat vegetables nor fruits. I'm a living nightmare for all those health-conscious people out there. Like this might affect me 20 years later but YOLO and life is too short to not enjoy junk food.

So, recently on Hari Raya Haji, we went to visit one of our relative's house and they were serving kuih koci, a traditional Malay dessert. Kuih Koci held a special place in my heart because I remember I once helped my late grandmother made this kuih. It was one of her specialty.

Anyway, since my aunt made this kuih koci, I thought it would taste exactly like my childhood.
I was wrong.
It tasted nothing like a normal kuih koci. What is this bullshit??
I anticipated so much from this kuih and it disappointed me.

I felt so attacked right now. It tasted durian!
You don't get how betrayed I felt when I tasted the strong durian taste and its' stench instead of the sweet, savory heavenly  of kuih koci.

The thing is I eat durian but rarely. Like once in 3 years.

So, yeah. I felt so attacked and I'm pretty sure it ruined my Raya Haji for the rest of the day.
So much for bringing back childhood memories.

Another time a food offended me was the time I ate Secret Recipe's Red Velvet Cake. Before this awful experience that is SR's horrible red velvet cake, I loved red velvet cakes. It was my favourite cake and the only cake I liked to eat.

That's something coming from someone who doesn't like dessert and sweet things.

I don't know what were they thinking when they made this monstrosity. Who thought it was a good idea to put slices of peach between the cake?!

This is a disgrace to all the good red velvet cakes out there. You don't know how offended I felt eating this treacherous thing. Like how could you destroy my favourite dessert??

After having a taste of that cake, I don't think I can ever forget the bad taste it left in my mouth. Now, I rarely eat red velvet cake and Secret Recipe is to blame.

Don't even get me started on raisins. Those little shits think they can just hide in all the good desserts and pretend to be something better. Something better like chocolate chips. I don't know how many times I feel offended by the mere presence of raisins in my mouth.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Second Year in UM

I thought the first year in UM was difficult to write. The second year is a drag. I am starting to think that writing each year in UM is a bad idea.

In my honest opinion, the second year is the most boring out of 4 years in UM. There were a lot of studying because we had to learn all the classes of drugs in 1 year plus we had to sit for tests for almost every week. INSANE.

All I remember about the second year was struggling to juggle my life and my study. Like the real dilemma was going back home every weekend yet scoring all the tests. What a struggle. Truthfully, I was feeling insecure with my classmates who came from top schools in the country and getting 4 flat during their foundation year.

You can literally see it in their eyes how bad they wanted to get an A while all I wanted was to just get by, well, at least initially. However, as I soon learned that most of these people were from those really super smart, super strict, top schools where as I am just from a normal high school, not even an SBP or MRSM, I was motivated to beat all of them.

Back in high school, I didn't know there were such things as top ranking schools so I didn't know any school except for the schools in my town. It was surprising for me to see them get so attached to their high school while I could hardly remember my own teacher's name. At that point, I wanted to prove that I could beat at their hardcore level of studying and beat the shit out of their test scores while still maintaining going back home every weekend where they complained they couldn't study if they were at home. (See? That's what boarding school does to you after 5 years. I would never send my children to one of those result-orientated schools.)

I thought I did a decent job of showing that in terms of academic. I love my second-year subjects especially antibiotic drugs because we had this one lecturer who was really laid back and kept 'hinting' at us of what will come out in the exam.

Personally, the second year was the time I started to try to adapt to changes. Back in the first year, I was inseparable with A but like every friendship, they never last. Well. Not that I don't consider her as my friend but someone came in between our inseparableness. Get it? HINT HINT IT'S A BOY.

It wasn't like we were fighting over a boy. Heck, we weren't even fighting. It's just that I felt like I was slowly being replaced. I didn't realize it until I was in the third year. That's how insidious it is. By the time I realized I was being replaced, there was no salvation to our inseparableness. At least in my point of view. I still considered her as my friend but I was being really awkward with her by the time we reached final year. To be honest, I was okay with that. I was okay and content with our current state of friendship. See how mature I have become? Like if this was 5 years ago, I would have ditched her and see her as a stranger. So whenever someone mentioned that we were bestfriend, I'll be like, 'Yeah, only during first year :/'.

Sometimes I think one of the reasons it came to this situation is because of one college project. This project which I was dragged into. It was the project I would have avoided but I couldn't because A and C were begging me to join.

The whole project was against my principle which is the bullshit that is people trying to motivate others. Also, this college project showed me how boring life would be if I had attended these boarding schools. Almost everyone wanted to be doctors and engineers and you could feel the burden to score straight As in SPM. So much burden and expectation were put upon these kids. It was suffocating for me to watch honestly.

I suffered so much through this project. I didn't get along with anyone in this project because they weren't my type of people I would hang with. I would have avoided them in real life. You know who else I tried to avoid? The boy who got in between my friendship with A. It's not like I hate him but I also don't like him. This college project got me stuck with this fella in one bureau. They say love is blind. In this case, that seems to be the truth. Enough said.

Moving on to another important event in the second year of UM, the RxQuiz which is when UM was the host. It was weirdly nice because I thought I would have hated this event but I enjoyed it. Because of that one guy :')

The funny thing is I like this event because this guy got me bonded with some of my classmates. One of them is D. D was someone whom I thought was religious and I don't get along that well with religious people. I never noticed her until this event and because of the guy. We had bonded over a guy. It's ironic how one guy can ruin a friendship but another guy can build a friendship.

I like her because she reminds me a lot of Qila. Someone who gets really worked up over small things, can take any jab/insult from me and doesn't really get clingy. I like that kind of people. The people who I called floaters because they don't get close to anyone. D also has become someone I confided to during my final year. Surprisingly we were close enough we even went to Sabah together last month. :')

The last event worth mentioning and if not, the most important is Rehlah. It's an annual event where the Malays in UM Pharmacy get together. Like a mini family day. I hate family day. I have succeeded avoiding all the Rehlahs except for this year. That's only because we, the whole class were the organiser.

I didn't specifically enjoy this event but something happened during this period that changed how I am for the upcoming years.We spent one of the precious weekends (where there were no tests looming over us) at Bagan Lalang. Back then, I was sorta still inseparable with A and both of us weren't looking forward to this trip. We actually look up for hotels nearby to ditch this event.

I didn't really have any other girls I was close with aside from A. So I actually felt really dependent towards A. At that time, A fell sick. I had a horrible feeling that she was going to ditch me here, in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of strangers for the whole weekend.

I cannot describe how I dreaded the moment she told me her boyfriend was picking her up and send her home. That meant I had to sleep here by myself with no one I know. Looking back, I was being really dramatic because it's just for one night but I don't like being left out while everyone else has their own group of friends. I don't want to go through matriculation earlier days again.

Then, someone told me this.
It was after we went to the beach where I sulked and this one girl came up to me. E came up to me and told me something I thought I really need to hear at that time. I can't, for the life of me remember exactly what she told me but it went something like this; 'You don't have to be alone, you got a lot of friends here, we're here.'

I think that was the start of how I looked at university life differently. How you asked? I will have to explain that in my third year also known as my favourite part of university life. Much fun.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

I'm Twenty Three

Status: In before IU's 23 song
Song: Whatta Man by I.O.I

I promised myself last year, I would be listening to IU's 23 when I turn 23. So here it is; (for better understanding, enable your caption)

Last year when this song was released, I felt like it spoke to me. Like yes to:
A bunch of twenty three
Now becomes little feminine
Trust me moderately if I pretend to be a grown up
AND definitely, YAAAASS to this:
Oh right I want to be in love
No I rather make money
Try to guess
I think after turning 21, I wrongly assume everything would make sense since I am legally an adult now.

Boy, was I wrong. Even at 23, I'm still trying to be adult when I know jack shit. I'm just a twentysomething person who is still a child.

At least by 23, I'm done with university life. That's a huge achievement there. How many people out there can say that? Not that many, I tell you.
Now, there's just 'work till you die' phase of my life.

What else is there to life?

You know what I have not achieved when everyone of my age has? A boyfriend. At 23, I have never ever had a boyfriend in my life.

The high school me would have been disappointed in me for not landing myself a boyfriend by the time I graduate. High school me probably thinks I'm a loser right now.

I'm sorry, 14 years old me. I'm still the same 16 years old me who find Korean boys cute and have zero social grace.

This level of loserness smh.

On a side note, I know this is an unpopular opinion among my local peers. I know everyone around me wants someone aka significant other to last until marriage.

I know you're supposed to date someone with the end goal of marriage. Like that's the morally good thing to do.

But I'm not always morally good.
I'm not a morally good person most of the times anyway.

Because I am still the same 14 years old kid who is afraid of commitments and thinks that wedding sucks balls. Like why waste so much money when you can splurge on a 5 star hotel for your honeymoon???

At 23, I just want to experience the whole dating scene like texting until late at nights though that might annoy me. Or go out on dates with dinner and stuff. Or receiving present on my birthday from a guy though I always do lol. Or getting into huge fight over dramatic things. Or going through a heartbreak from the breakup.

I don't want to jump straight into marriage. I am not at that level of wanting to wake up next to the same person every day. I'm not ready for that.

I'm probably romanticising the idea of boyfriend but I think it would be nice for once, to like someone and that feeling is being reciprocated.
To actually be able to talk about anything and nothing at the same time.
To actually enjoy in the company of someone.
To actually listen to love songs and is reminded of that someone. :')
To also listen breakup songs and is reminded of that someone too. :')

Okay. I admit it. I must have read too many love stories and Korean drama but I want it so baddddd. D;

That sounded desperate but come on guys, at 23, my nonexistent love life is kind of alarming in this decade.

Also, I may or may not have been watching too much How I Met Your Mother. No thanks to my sister who watches it every day. I think living as one of the characters in HIMYM is my ultimate dream goal lol.

But seriously.
For once in my life, I just want to answer all my friends' most frequently asked question with a yes; 'Do you have/had a boyfriend?'

Thursday, August 11, 2016

The First Year in UM

Since I will be officially graduating this October, I thought to myself, 'why don't I write something very personal about UM?'.
Therefore, this is going to be my first part of reminiscing the UM days :')
I'm going to touch on every aspect of UM life including academic, social, and personal feelings. Like I am going to be honest about it. Like there's no censoring on what I feel. I won't name people's names, though.

Truthfully, I can't remember what really happened back when I first entered UM. All I know is that I get to go back home every weekend and that's all that matters.

Back then, choosing UM isn't because it's the number 1 university in the country but because it's the nearest to home. I couldn't live another year in nowheresville. I need my dose of a lively city so I can feel alive and, wifi.

Until today, I don't regret choosing UM. Pharmacy? Sorta regret but UM, never.

Writing the first year post is really tough lol. I mostly can't remember anything interesting happened aside from the first 3 weeks in UM.

I went through a difficult time during the first month in matriculation. I was alone in a foreign place away from my family for the first time, with no friends while everyone else already had their own group of friends. I thought that I had to face the same situation in UM too. I had already prepared for the worst.

So my first week in UM was utterly boring. I wanted to be friendly and meet new people but I didn't have the mood for it. I certainly wasn't up for any nonsense such as cheers and team building activity.

Although I do remember being in awe of everyone else who had this eager aura to join this nuisance activities. I can see most of them were enjoying this orientation week. They were all volunteering to be in front and presenting their quirky ideas.

At that time, I remembered I was regretting choosing UM haha. This place was filled with idiots who like this kind of activities. I didn't want to befriend any of these losers who were dumb enough to fall for this motivational schtick.

Then, of course. I got singled out by this one senior who somehow enjoyed calling me, 'Bosan and making my life during that week slightly harder'. Let me tell you. Every time I bumped into this senior, I always gave him my stink eye and pretend he never existed.

I thought I got away after the week ended but then Family Week aka Hell Week started in the faculty. It was all blurry to me but I remembered being really tired mentally and physically. To the point where I couldn't focus in class.

They may name it something very friendly like Family Week but it was actually another orientation. Just  an unofficial one. Basically, it was me doing things I would never in my whole life did, performing in front of strangers, being scolded almost every day and faking my way through the seniors who I have zero care about at that time. Seniority? That's not a thing in my life.

I joined dancing when I couldn't even dance. I sucked but who cares.
I tried to approach people when in reality, I don't approach, people approach me ok.
Never have I been fake so much in my life.

Honestly, although it was hellish, it did bring my classmates and me closer like brothers-in-arms. Like, 'hey guys we went through shit together so we kinda have to be together until the end now'.
That strong camaraderie was worth all that.

In terms of academic, I was really trying to adjust the way of UM system. Like past year questions and realizing that the question doesn't really change.

It was mind-blowing. I was one of those kids who never believe in past years questions even before SPM. Like who the fuck has time to analyse every question and memorise the questions.

Entering UM was mind-blowing in that sense. I had to deal with my bruised ego where I thought I was smart enough to not rely on past years questions because relying on those questions meant I had to rely on seniors. My very first test was on organic chemistry and I literally flunked it while everyone else scored because they had past year questions.

Like what the hell. Not to mention, Organic Chemistry was my weakest subject and I couldn't understand a single thing. It was horrible.

Then Biochemistry was another horrible thing I had to face during my second semester. At that time, I realized I hate Chemistry and I was so grateful I did not take up Chemical Engineering. I would have hated my life so much if I did.

I came out as an average student by the time the first year ended and that was something normal ever since high school. I was content with it.

From the social aspect, I was really recluse and didn't socialise much. During the first year, there was literally a zero social life which was normal for me back then. I was a loner and that didn't change much for me.

I did though miss my matriculation girls.

At that time, I had 3 important friends. The first friend I made with was a girl who came up to me during the first week and she tried to start a conversation with me when no one else did because I was THAT unapproachable. Ever since then, I stuck by her side for the whole year. Let's call her, A. She was the friendliest person I have ever known and I was so in awe of her effortless way of making friends especially with boys.

She was the light and I was the shadow. People would approach her first before acknowledging me and I don't mind. I was content being known as A's quiet friend. We were inseparable ever since. There were a lot of good memories I had with her. I remembered fondly of the days when we would go to class together and she would tell me the latest gossip in our class and confided in me about her love life.

Like seriously. We were just noobs in UM but she was already having the epic love story going on for her while I hardly could recognise any boys in my class. Personally, I was really in debt to her. She could have ditched me for a better, more talkative girl with better experience in boyfriends but she didn't throughout the whole year. I wasn't really the most interesting person and the least friendly of all.

I was literally ready if she wanted to ditch me but she never did. For that, I am always grateful for having her as my first friend in UM and stuck by my side ever since.

The second person that I remembered made friends with was B. This may seem weird but she came off really cold at first but then I realise that's just who she is. She's also very good at this learning all the pharmacy subjects. I always sat beside her in class because she's one of those people who never talks in class. To me, she will always be the cool chick in class who always come into my room at random times to ask about lecture notes. I think we sort of bonded over our studies.

The third friend was someone I had never noticed of until A pointed it out. Since I had looked up to A, I thought that C was one of the guys who will inevitably fall in love with her.

So I actually disregarded him most of the times. Until it became apparent that A and C were also sort of questionably good friends/dating (we may never know).

Since I had no other choice, I had become the third wheel in their relationship. Initially, I have never really spoken directly to C and never really acknowledge him as a friend. I just regard him as a friend of A who I had to hang out with occasionally but if A is not around I wouldn't be hanging out with him because he wasn't really as sunshine friendly as A. However, as time goes by, I found out we had a lot in common surprisingly.

The thing is A like to call us the Three Musketeers which I secretly hated. Like come on, there has got to be a cooler name than that.

So the three of us were kind of inseparable ish.

Yeah. I think that covers most part of my first year in UM. I am sure I missed out on a lot of interesting tidbits but again, I have to write 3 more posts about my life in UM. I am too lazy to write in details.

I think my writing skills has deteriorated tremendously, though. Ack.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Structure Activity Relationship Between You and Me

Status: I miss you.
Song: Tomorrow by Han Hee Jung. This song is everything.

I did it.
I can't believe this.

I thought the day would have never come. It had felt like forever.

The last few days had been me trying to push through and jump over every hurdle coming at me.
Every time I was taking a break, I had imagined what it would feel like to finally getting this fyp or final year research project submitted.

Most of the time I had imagined myself in Taeyeon's place. Telling everyone else to go screw themselves and steal someone's car keys. Then, possibly drive to the ocean and meet my other hippie half. Pharmacy what? UM whu?

Basically, me after submitting my FYP.

Of course, that did not happen. 

In reality, I was dead tired after printing my fyp and helping my friends print out their dissertations.

Nevertheless, the smile on my face after letting all of that go had never left.

Gosh, it had felt like every burden that has been haunting me in every nook and cranny of my life is finally being lifted off my shoulders.
All those sad days, moments of frustration, lingering feelings of hopelessness had just vanished.

It had been fun and exhausting ride, this final year.

On the very last day of class, we had this farewell lunch with lecturers and staff.

After such happiness then came in the feeling of melancholy.

 As I stared at every hallway, rooms and people that had left a great impression on me for the past 4 years, I started to feel the hollowness creeping in.

 Damn, I am going to miss UM so bad despite all the shit they put me through. :')

I mean, I may not be crying on the outside while I stared at our Pharmacy Department building but the sadness is there. 

It will always be there for all the words I wasn't brave enough to say, for all the people I didn't appreciate enough and for all the memories I missed out on.

The regrets will stay throughout my whole life.
And all the happy memories will stay with me for the rest of my life and it will become more vivid every time I will go through a tough time.

I know it will happen because the high school part of me has never left either. 

University life has become such a huge part of who I am today. Whoever thought someone as a recluse and alone as me have found great companions here?


Sunday, April 17, 2016

How To Write 101 For Dummies

Status: When you are going through a phase that really urge you to cut your hair ;')
Song: Without You by NCT-U. I'm trash for SM boys with similar voice.

What I hate the most about my blog is the fact that people are talking about my average English level like I am William Shakespeare. I am not by the way. Just letting you all know that.

My grammar is slightly better than most of my peers but that's because I read more than any of my friends had when I was a child.

The only difference between me and the next person is my style of writing.

Firstly, I did not start writing like this.

Emphasizing on the fact that I grew up reading a lot. A lot in, 'I spent most of my weekend in this small rent-a-book store in Subang.'

One of the things I have picked up from all these reading was recognizing the style of people's writing and incorporating it in my own writing.

It's like one of my special skills. Hah.

Again, originally I had a vastly different style of writing.

When I was in my early teen years, I read a lot of stories with the main theme of mean girls such as Gossip Girl, Private series, and Pretty Little Liars series.

Therefore, in my early days of blogging and journal entries, I write like a bitch. I'm pretty sure the voice in my head sounded a lot like Kristen Bell as Gossip Girl. At some point in my life, my friends in school who read my ever-so-infamous journal called the journal, the Burn Book.

I also want everyone to know my theme song back then was The Veronicas' Popular. 'I get what I want, my name is my credit card' was my life motto.
I am guilty of using the word fugly but I did not try to make fetch happen. (x)

Then I embraced my emo phase also known as life is meaningless and everything is meaningless. I hate everyone era that I still do go through occasionally.

I think it was mostly because I read a lot of teen angst with the main character being an outcast. I led myself believed that I am an outcast and a loner. So, I tended to push people away.

I wrote a lot of depressing stuff too but mostly it's about I hate my friends, friendship is stupid kind of thing.

I bet one of the most listened songs during this era was CNBlue's Loner. Of course, these days I listened to GD's Crooked when I'm in this kind of mood.

Later on, I developed a sense of humor. Thanks to Louise Rennison's Confession of Gerogia Nicolson book series and to Slam Dunk because I just re-watched and obsessed about it.

Because the book was written in UK English, I used a lot of British terms such as snogging. I also used a lot of made up words written in the book such as adding -sity in every words and vair (means very btw).
so dumb but I love her (x)

There were a lot of weird funny shit going on in this series. The most memorable one to me was that one time Georgia was meeting her crush outside her house without wearing bra. It was cold, nipples were hardened and something had to be done. Not to mention, Dave the Laugh was the only crush that came from a book. <3 bringing="" for="" in="" into="" louise="" p="" peace="" rennison="" rest="" this="" wonderful="" works="" world.="">

Lastly, I was influenced by Misha Collins, my ultimate dreamy, perfect man, too wonderful for this world and few other comedians.

I made a Twitter account because of him. His style of writing is sort of the style I'm using currently.
WHICH is self-depreciating humor slash sarcasm slash sharp wit. 

Masterpiece caption.
So there ya go. The secret to my utterly awesome way of writing were a combination of all of these. When I get mad and feeling righteous, I bring out my best Blair Waldorf in me.
When I get sad, I write like an angsty teen while listening to Simple Plan's Perfect.
When I try to be funny, I try to write like I'm a writer on Saturday Night Live Amy Poehler era

.But then again, everyone has their own style. You should stick to your own.