Song: Fine by Taeyeon.
How long has it been since I've been here? I know I've been saying this for years- I want to stop writing here. I sincerely, seriously thought of that but then I realize rhat I don't know who to talk to.
Isn't it sad that I have people coming up to me to talk about their problems but I don't have one single person to talk to?
I'm letting that sink in. How much I depend on this blog to hash things out even though I feel like my writing skills and the way I write have worsened over the years.
I may hate how I write things these days (it's a struggle because I want to write but my mind thinks all the things I've written are trash) but there is nothing more I hate than being melancholy and nostalgic about things in the past.
So, yeah. That happened. And it's not like UM level of nostalgia.
It's high school level.
This wouldn't happen if it weren't for my friend wanting to meet up with me last weekend.
The moment I agreed to meet up with him, I was anxious as fuck. It's weird to be anxious over meeting old pal but it was terrifying for me.
I almost backed out but knowing how persistent this friend is, he will probably keep contacting me until I see him.
So I did meet up with him. The moment I stepped into the car, I tried to be as talkative as I can be even though I have zero moods for talking.
We talked about literally everyone we both know of. It seems like he kept in touch with everyone while I don't. I'm okay with that. It's nice seeing how 7 years passed on and some people changed yet some remain the same.
Then, of course, the inevitable, 'You have a boyfriend?' question popped up.
Me, smiling sheepishly (by that I meant proudly), "Nope, you?"
He grinned and said he's with his high school sweetheart now. I was shocked but sort of expected it.
But wow. Truly. What kind of true love is that? That means they have been together since we were 14?? Then I remembered I used to be their third wheel.
I remembered I was dragged by his girlfriend with the promise of 'we're hanging out together let's go'. That ended up with my first betrayal by people in love. I still remembered the numerous expletives I thought of in my head when they went for lunch together and left me with my then-nemesis and ex-crush. People in love are selfish. Fact.
Then the weird awkward period where they broke up and I was like the middle person. His girlfriend used to pull me aside and sincerely asked me if this precious friend of mine is doing okay. Like wow.
I guess truluv™ is real. I've seen it with my own eyes. I don't think I've ever been happy for a couple in real life as much as I am for them.
We also talked about how different the culture and people of our school and of our universities. Like the whole race thing. How back in our school days, we befriended everyone and make insensitive comments about everything (only teenagers would make a joke about terrorism). Now, the dividedness between races is so evident. It's like as we grow older, we seem to be only befriending people with the same skin colour. It's sad because some of the funniest and greatest friends I have are not Malays.
We shared our agreement about of so many people we met from across the country, people from PJ are the best Malay-English speakers. I told him that I haven't spoken in English with a friend in years. AND it is really different. Like even when we're texting each other, the way I text changed completely. I only type out 'You' fully instead of 'u' and proper grammar with my school friends. It was like a different world where full-stops are actually being used and not as a hint that the person on the other side is in a bad mood.
It was going okay until he mentioned this other friend.
He asked me, 'Have you been keeping in touch with ___?'
Yes. My favourite friend from high school who is also the only person from high school I've been in touch with regularly. By regularly, I meant twice a year. To wish each other well on our birthdays.
So I straight up told him that the last time I've contacted this person, it was during my birthday-ish.
I knew where this was going (social media has been helpful) but I was curious. I questioned why he asked and he told me that this person has been avoiding and ignoring everyone but two people where one of them happened to be me. :/
This person has been off the grid from his high school gang for few years it seems. I don't really know what's going on except I wasn't ready to be dragged into another soap opera cliches.
I straight up told my friend that I did think of wanting to ask the guy about it during the last time we were texting each other but I thought it would probably worsen the situation and he would then cut me off too.
Then he replied something so vague of how that person would only talk about certain things with certain people and I was triggered. lol.
Suddenly I was hit by feelings I've abandoned and flashbacks of our history came to me. Of all the people I've met, this person was the one who I had some of the wildest rides in terms of friendship. There were times where I used to hate him to the point we weren't talking for a whole year and times where I consider him as my true friend to the point where I told him, he can be my maid of honour.
Basically, I came for a good time with an old friend but I came home with a huge baggage. I felt like I was being a bad friend. I cut off contact with my high school friends because I don't want to miss them. However, this friend of mine may be going through some weird times and I didn't even know it.
I kept thinking, what if during all the times he told me he wanted to meet up with me but I kept refusing and he coolly accepts my lame ass excuses were actually the only way I can know what's really going on??
Shit. All the teas that I could have had.
A few days later, I was bombarded with old high school memories everywhere I go. :')
Then Taeyeon released her emo album, :') "I'm fine."
I don't know why but I miss the simple but dramatic high school life. Like the only thing we were worried about is SPM yet we did nothing about it. I haven't miss high school in years. But damn, the nostalgia feels hit so hard this time.
It worsens when one of the topics we were talking about is how depressing working adult life would be.
'Work only to go to sleep and work again' kept ringing in my ears.
Like ohmygod, I was so depressed recalling that every time I wake up in the morning.
This whole week I questioned why and what is the purpose of living just to work like a slave every day?
Believe me. I was not ready for this life crisis I'm having. But then, a small voice in my mind reminded me of this scene where one of the NCT boys read out an excerpt from a book a fan gave to him. Or so the story goes..
(The background of this story was this NCT member was exposed to have scammed people when he was 13/14 years old and the company made him apologise without addressing directly what he actually he did. It practically went downhill from there.)
The small voice in my mind grew louder when a forum topic popped up of how almost all the bad rumours about this guy were proven to be false. I was so emotional about it because that meant the company had made him apologise for the things he didn't even do and get hated even more for 3 years?? He even cried on tv while apologising for this bullshit?? He was pushed by the company so much as the center of his group which technically made him get hated even possibly more.
Like wow. My heart was breaking for him. Why is he still in this business who truly did him dirty?
At that time, I realised that if this person is still willing to be in an industry where he was being hated for his past, then why can't I be in one where I'm have nothing to be hated yet??
I would probably won't enjoy working but at least I'm going to find happiness and warmth in the smallest things life have presented to me.