Saturday, December 3, 2016

Dream Post #1 - I Don't Wanna Feel Nothing


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Last night, I couldn't sleep. I sincerely think I'm having bouts of insomnia these past months.

The worst thing about not being able to sleep is you are left to your own thoughts. Sometimes, that very same own thoughts are your worst enemy.

It could lead you to think life isn't worth living anymore and future is a terrifying uncharted course.

That is what exactly happened last night. Hundred times of tossing and turning couldn't get me to doze off.

I started to realise that I had nothing to look forward. I can't feel anything anymore. The future seemed so bleak right now. I don't see myself doing anything in the future.

It was so depressing that I don't even cry anymore.

Then somehow, I fell asleep after feeling like shit.

This dream felt so real. I was at an LRT station. I was going to search for a job but no one wanted me.
As someone who is introverted, getting rejected after gathering all my courage and strength going from one interview to another is a huge blow to me.

I can still feel that helpless feeling while not wanting to face the disappointment from my family again. I didn't want to go home.

I just didn't know what to do. So I sat on the floor of some LRT station while staring off into space.

Until someone appeared in my view. This was so shocking because what the fuck is Jung JoonYoung doing in my dream. The exhibitionist who was kicked out of variety shows because of his sex scandal and now travelling around the world as a 'reflection'.
He's the ultimate IDGAF about anything.

Thankfully (or unfortunately), there was no sex involved. He came in front of me and suddenly sat beside me. We talked which didn't make any sense right now because we're speaking different languages here.

Anyway, here I was talking to this guy and I told him everything about how I feel. He actually understood how I feel. He never talked about his problem or anything. He just sat beside me and listened to whatever embarrassing feelings I wanted to talk about.

At some point, we reached a new level of understanding. I finally had someone who understood me. I was so relieved to get my thoughts out and they're not eating me from inside out. I was feeling good again and I gained back my hope or will to move on forward.

I'm also pretty sure he then proceeded to play his guitar. True rock star even in my dream.

I woke up feeling like cold water had just been poured over me. That it was all a dream. That I had not met Jung Joon Young. That I had not met anyone who understands what I'm feeling.

I was devastated. I felt like I lost my only true friend.

I realised that my dream was telling me that I, of my whole life, never let anyone listen to my fucked up thoughts. People would tell all kinds of personal stories to me but I didn't think they would understand what kind of shitty thoughts have been brewing up in my mind.

I like to push my thoughts and problem away because I am good at avoiding things until it blows up in my face. I am the best at not thinking about my own feelings and instead distract myself with other superficial things. Lately, my distraction is the newly debuted boy group, NCT with unlimited numbers of members. They were the only ones who can make me feel happy even if it just for a while.

Hence, my subconscious conjured up someone who was willing to listen to me talking about my seemingly-no-hardship life. It was just so happened to be in form of Korean rock star who also seemingly to be not affected by his scandal.


After that, I felt the urge to listen to this song, Another World by NCT127. I felt like a light has shown me to see the way of what I am feeling right now. What a coincidence.

Even when I try to hold tightly, you disappear
Even when I extend my hand, I can’t reach you
I don't wanna feel nothing.Idon'twannafeelnothing.Idon'twannafeelnothing. 
This feeling right now so good so high
I don’t want to wake up, I wish time would stop right now

Thursday, November 10, 2016

In 5 Years Time

Status: In 5 years time, you might just prove me wrong.
Song: 5 Years Time by Noah and the Whale
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I have wanted to write this kind of post ever since this video was made. I miss this show.





I actually had written halfway through another post called, 'To The Future Me' but then I lost the inspiration to write it. For your information, I have 50 unfinished drafts saved on this blog. So yeah I can never see things to the end.

To the 5 years old me,
I bet your short experience with the outside world traumatised you so much that you skipped one whole year worth of kindergarten days.You may wonder why you can't get along with other stupid kids. You may feel sad when other kids were playing around while you just stare from afar.

I want to say I'm sorry but you will always be the quiet girl. This will follow you everywhere you go and people will never understand us. You don't even know why you turned out this way. Therefore, be strong. You're alone against this world but at least you've known this earlier than anyone else. Don't worry. You will make friends. You're smart, smarter than most of those kids. You also got your family. You will get through this even though it doesn't feel like it.


To the 10 years old me,
I know that you tried really hard to fit in. You had followed your friends everywhere they go. Friends that you will forget their names and faces when you leave this shithole that is this school. Believe me when I say that you won't enjoy following them.You will be learning the consequences of following them. Like seriously joining scouts?? You don't even like marching.

Getting attached to them does you no good because like everything in your life, no one stays with you forever. When primary school ends, you won't be seeing them anymore because life is just that way where they put you on a lesser travelled road. Nevertheless, it will be the best thing your measly life has put you in.


To the 15 years old me,
How have the boys been treating you there? Insufferable? Yeah, I thought so. Boys have taken up quite an interest in you. You will encounter different types of boys in the coming days of your high school life. Some have made your life slightly harder. Some of them might even change your perspective on life too.

To be honest, I'm proud of you at this point. You have decided to do your own thing in your own way. You did not get attached to any of your friends neither did you follow them doing stupid things. You embraced the loner in you. It does get tough though especially when you're tired of being strong alone. Sometimes, you wish you could break the cold exterior you put up. It's okay to cry sometimes even if you don't know why.

P.S. I hope you know that the Jensen Ackles you have seen in television on one late night will remain the most attractive man you have ever laid your eyes on.


To the 18 years old me,
You thought you won't live this long did you? You thought you won't live long enough to actually graduate from high school nevertheless college. You thought life after high school is something unthinkable. So you didn't plan out your life.

You let fate decides on a lot of things. You didn't care what will happen in 5 years time because you still don't see any future. You don't see yourself living in 5 years time. I wish you didn't. I wish you were like your high school friends who seemed to have their life together. I wish you didn't concede to what your parents want or anyone else. I wish you take control of your life.

You didn't. You just went with wherever your life decided to take you when you failed to get a scholarship to study overseas. You were depressed so you just let anything happens to you. You didn't care. I wish you did even though it hurts.


To the 20 years old me, 
Nothing has changed for you. You're still the same but you have let people in. I'm proud of that. I hope you cherish the small moments you had there because you will miss those people at the weirdest time. Like on a rainy morning or at 3am when you can't fall asleep.

Unfortunately, this too shall pass. This university life too will pass and you still live on. I know you still think you won't live past the university life. That's why you still don't plan things out or care about your future like your friends. You're a robot who just live day to day.

At this point, there is nothing you can do. You're stuck with this life. Might as well live in the moment.

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This has gotten way too depressing but honestly, I still think I won't live long enough to see myself in the next 5 years. It has been that way since high school.

What triggered me to write this was a story I've read. It's about how demons have taken over the world and years later, human still lives on and survive despite how bleak and morbid the world has become. I love this kind of story where future is so bleak people rather die than be alive.

It reminded me that when you thought you could never live through something but then time moves on so fast you didn't realize you actually had gone past through another phase of your life.

Right now, I know I'm feeling hopeless about my future because I have no idea what to do with my life while my friends seem to get at least a gleam of an idea what they will be doing in the future.

It scares me so much of this uncertainty that is my future. Every time I realize I got rejected for a job again, I get slightly depressed and my ego bruised, I want to avoid everyone as time starts to move slowly. It's hell on earth literally.

That's why I have buried myself under hours of watching videos on Youtube and tv shows. I avoid human contact and I have revert to the old me. The old me who refuse to socialize with anyone because seeing them makes me feel like shit.

Anyway. I have just made this post a tad more depressing. I'm going to stop here before it got too deep.
A mantra to myself to keep living.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Please Say You Won't Let Go // The Final Year

Song to listen: Shake It Out by Florence and The Machine




As I write this post, few days have passed since my graduation ceremony ended. There is nothing more I hate than goodbyes.


There are so many things I have wanted to say to these people. There things I want to show them. There are secrets and thoughts I want to share with. There are still some jokes left I want to tell them.


There is just so many things I have not done with them.

I don't know what to do with this feeling. I was not ready for this graduation to come so soon.

I don't know if I want to seek future without any of you by my side.

How come all of you are moving on so fast, leaving me behind in this race?


How am I supposed to catch up when you're miles away?

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Final year


It's the year of stress, frustration, and everything in between.


You don't understand the struggle until you experience final year.

It's the point where you no longer care about As or 4 flat.

It's getting over the last hurdle to graduation that matters.


But truly though, I think most of the stress came to me was because of my procrastination.

I mean I don't think I have undergone the pressure of deadlines until I met final year.


There were so many waves of desperation and depression waiting at the bay during this period.

Like I cried while listening to Taeyeon's I more than I can count with my own hands.


But I think we all can get the gist of how I struggled through the final year based on my previous posts.


So let me talk about the people that matter to me during my final year at UM.


We called ourselves Team Sejuk or Sejok. The name behind this name was because one of us were curious if boys really do get hard during cold weather. It's not me who was curious, just letting yall know that.


The thing is I didn't expect to latch on them so suddenly. I didn't know I would get so attached to these people in a short amount of time.


Individually, I personally don't think we're compatible with each other.


First, there's C who is the most opinionated, outspoken Malay boy I've ever met with the most peculiar English accent. That is basically the opposite of me.


The most standout thing about him is he always tells us how he's different when with different people. Sometimes, I wondered if he ever thought me as a friend or just someone who he could benefit from. However, as I have come to know him, his backstory, thoughts, and feelings were more complex than I could fathom.


The funny thing is he's the one who unexpectedly has been by my side since the first year. We even took outside faculty subjects together. Due to this unplanned circumstance, my friends always suspect there is something more than platonic going on which is kind of sad because there is none. (I'm still single :|)

If there's one thing I like about C of the 4 years I've known him is his ambition and vision. I admire his tenacity and bravery of dreaming big things for himself. I don't usually like seeing others achieving their dream (because I'm bitter af) but I wish nothing but the best for him.



Second, there's G who I personally think is the mood maker of the group. Never it has ever come across my mind to befriend this fella. Initially, I thought he was too bright and I hate sunshine kind of people. Later on, I found out he's temperamental and I avoided him like a plague because I don't want to get on his bad side.


Then I realized something about him. He attracts drama around him. You know me well enough that I looove drama. Therefore, I like listening to his neverending drama happening to him. Also, he can drive anywhere I want. Being friends with him seems like a good idea to me.


As time goes by, he's more than a useful driver to me. He isn't as temperamental as I initially thought. I realized I have power over him; he sort of feared me/respect me. I like the fact by just giving him a glare and he understood right away I shouldn't be messed with. :)


He has known me so well that I felt like he must really like me even though I literally have zero effort in trying to impress him. I know I always like to tease him (mostly about his sexuality. with reasons ok) and make him do things but I really really do admire him. I am always in awe of his loyalty of being a good friend. He's the kind of friend that you need in your life.



Third, there's H who is the most laid back girl I've ever met. She's way more laid back than me. This person was someone I didn't expect to befriend with. At least not this close. I'm 100% sure if it weren't for this arrangement we were in, I wouldn't be this close to her.


Mostly because she's someone who I personally think as effortlessly pretty. Some people are blessed with great genes and she is one of them. To be honest, I don't get along well with pretty girls. Acquaintance? I can do that but as close friend? I don't think so. I don't really know why but I always felt intimidated by these beautiful girls.


So our friendship is some kind of a rare girl friendship I will probably ever have. I'm going to cherish that. There are so many things I look up to her but one thing that always stands out to me is her bravery to be opinionated. You know how hard it is to be a strongly opinionated girl??


She's like more YOLO than me. That is why she is such an enjoyable person to hang out with. Any guy who won her heart must be one of a kind, I tell ya.



Lastly, J, the easiest person to get along with. Instead of being complete opposites, we have more things in common. Like sort of similar taste in guys. We actually bonded over a boy back in the second year alongside D.


Anyone who likes the same boy as me is automatically a friend of mine. That's a fact. However, on my first impression, J's inseparableness to H was offputting to me. They were practically attached at hips. So I thought they must be one of those super exclusive friends who only befriends with certain people.


I was wrong, of course. J and H are completely opposite of that. They are friendly to everyone. One of the things I like about J is that she's the most okay-est person I've met. You know how some people have opinions and preferences. J doesn't. She always accomodates to whatever the others want.


She's just the right balance we need in our group. If she weren't there, this group would have fallen apart in days.



So yeah. These 4 people made a huge impact on my final year. I don't think I will ever regret meeting them. Even when they annoyed me or makes me feel sad.


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Truthfully, I regret making this series of posts. By the time I've reached my third year post, I got bored of writing them. So you can see how half-hearted I have written them. Well, I won't ever make this kind of posts again.


There are so many things I want to write about but I forgot what I want to write.


Recently, as I was moving and organizing my 4 years worth of photos during my time in UM from my old phone to my computer, I got inexplicably sad while looking at it.


Time moves so quick like I still feel I haven't gotten the right closure with this certain phase of my life.


On the very graduation day, I didn't actually have a proper goodbye moments with these people. I got real sad when the last memory I had with them is me in my car driving away while they looked for me.


Like this is some next level sad romance movie.


I don't know if I can live with this kind of closure. That's why I decided to write this final year post mainly about them.

This is like the last picture we took together before graduation.

I am not an optimistic person, I'm a realistic person. I know the lies we tell to each other about keeping in touch with each other. Those sweet little lies I've been telling to my college friends who I've held dearly and to my high school friends who changed my life.


I know that it may not be true. But for the first time in my life, I really hope, no, I pray that we will constantly keep in touch and we won't forget about all the good things that have come from this and also the bad things as well.


For once, I want my version of How I Met Your Mother/Friends gang to be these people.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

The Third Year in UM


Third year was my favourite part of UM because this was how university life should be. Drama, meeting new people, and a lot of late night outings with just the right balance of studying.

I finally have a taste of what it's like to be a person with normal social life at my age. I don't think I regret anything during my third year.

In terms of academics, it was my golden era if I do say so myself. I think it's because I like solving problems and clinical subjects were exactly that with their case questions. That was my favourite because it always gets complicated but not complicated enough for me to not see the answers most of the time.

Honestly, I have been scoring surprisingly well because of C. I like challenges so when C declared he wanted to beat me in test scores, I was like mentally motivated to accept the challenge. For the next two years of my UM life, my end goal was to beat him haha which I did by landing myself on Dean's List in my first semester of third year. What a glorious day it was. That was my magnum opus in the life of a UM pharmacy student.


I was so excited to write about this specific phase of my life, I literally forgot what I wanted to write. So I'm going to write with no outline here and my apologies if I get sidetracked.


As I mentioned above, I had gotten to know a lot of people because I had made it my resolution to hang out with every Malay girls in my class because of what happened in my second year. Along the way, I've met some of the coolest and some are worth keeping in touch with.

First off, there was F. I took notice of him when we were in the second year but I really got to know him at the start of the third year. All those late night hangouts really had gotten us closer. I deemed him as one of my precious friends in UM because he was the only one who had discovered a way to lift my mood when I'm feeling agitated or down.

Normally, most people would just give me some space and let me  cool off alone which is the most reasonable thing to do. However, this fella just shamelessly google pictures of the guys I was interested in at that time and quietly send it to me one by one.

It always worked even though I want to give him my deathly stares. I cannot help but smile at those stupid messages. F knows me so well in terms of my taste in attractive boys. The thing I like the most about F is that he seems like a really loyal, good friend which is hard to come by these days. I could never know if he truly is a good friend but the way he is and how his action is made me feel thankful for having such dependable friend. I mean I don't think I'll ever forget the time he skipped a class so he could buy my birthday presents. Not to mention I could never listen to Big Bang 's Loser without being reminded of him.

You know some people would say something like,'hey we should hang out soon' but they never really did anything about it. F is not that kind of person because he kept bringing up the hotel buffet outing he wanted to go with me. That was one of the first dinner I had with my friends on a weekend. I miss Group Hotel What The Hell because good food with good company is one of the finer things in life everyone should experience.

Among all the girls I have gotten to know, these group of girls was the ones who I truly enjoyed hanging out with at random times. At one point, we went out regularly on Tuesday that we were called Geng Makan Selasa. I remembered feeling out of place with all of them but getting excited at the prospect of finally making my circle of friends larger. I finally feel at ease when they started gushing about Korean boys and kpop. That is when I know I will get along fine with the girls and enjoy the outing at Seoul Garden.

Nothing really beats the bonding of girl friendship than over unattainable boys with great skin and perfect hairstyle.


Of course. Then there were these 4 very important people I've encountered in UM that made my university life dramatically more enjoyable. I don't even know where to start with these people. There are just so many things I want to talk about.

I remember the time we first hung out. It was basically the first time I get to hang out till late at night and have nonstop discussion about things that I never expected to talk about. I think the McDonald's situated in USJ will forever be a historical place for me.

I remember thinking, 'Is this the start of something new?'
I remember feared that it may be a one time thing.

Is it though?






Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Food that Offends Me

Status: Unemployed and loving it.
Song: Russian Roulette by Red Velvet.
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When I was a child, I used to be a very picky eater. I just can't comprehend eating rice every day. They always tasted dull to me.That's because I put the side dishes on the side instead of onto the pile of rice like a normal Malaysian would do.

Fast forward to several years, I'm less picky towards food. I sometimes see food as a source of energy/chore instead of a thing you enjoy in life. Like I can't tell any difference between any spaghetti bolognese I've ever tasted. Therefore, I don't have a favourite pasta dish.

It's a well-known fact that I don't eat vegetables nor fruits. I'm a living nightmare for all those health-conscious people out there. Like this might affect me 20 years later but YOLO and life is too short to not enjoy junk food.

So, recently on Hari Raya Haji, we went to visit one of our relative's house and they were serving kuih koci, a traditional Malay dessert. Kuih Koci held a special place in my heart because I remember I once helped my late grandmother made this kuih. It was one of her specialty.

Anyway, since my aunt made this kuih koci, I thought it would taste exactly like my childhood.
I was wrong.
It tasted nothing like a normal kuih koci. What is this bullshit??
I anticipated so much from this kuih and it disappointed me.

I felt so attacked right now. It tasted durian!
You don't get how betrayed I felt when I tasted the strong durian taste and its' stench instead of the sweet, savory heavenly  of kuih koci.

The thing is I eat durian but rarely. Like once in 3 years.

So, yeah. I felt so attacked and I'm pretty sure it ruined my Raya Haji for the rest of the day.
So much for bringing back childhood memories.


Another time a food offended me was the time I ate Secret Recipe's Red Velvet Cake. Before this awful experience that is SR's horrible red velvet cake, I loved red velvet cakes. It was my favourite cake and the only cake I liked to eat.

That's something coming from someone who doesn't like dessert and sweet things.

I don't know what were they thinking when they made this monstrosity. Who thought it was a good idea to put slices of peach between the cake?!

This is a disgrace to all the good red velvet cakes out there. You don't know how offended I felt eating this treacherous thing. Like how could you destroy my favourite dessert??

After having a taste of that cake, I don't think I can ever forget the bad taste it left in my mouth. Now, I rarely eat red velvet cake and Secret Recipe is to blame.


Don't even get me started on raisins. Those little shits think they can just hide in all the good desserts and pretend to be something better. Something better like chocolate chips. I don't know how many times I feel offended by the mere presence of raisins in my mouth.
THE DECEIT!


Friday, September 9, 2016

Second Year in UM

I thought the first year in UM was difficult to write. The second year is a drag. I am starting to think that writing each year in UM is a bad idea.


In my honest opinion, the second year is the most boring out of 4 years in UM. There were a lot of studying because we had to learn all the classes of drugs in 1 year plus we had to sit for tests for almost every week. INSANE.


All I remember about the second year was struggling to juggle my life and my study. Like the real dilemma was going back home every weekend yet scoring all the tests. What a struggle. Truthfully, I was feeling insecure with my classmates who came from top schools in the country and getting 4 flat during their foundation year.

You can literally see it in their eyes how bad they wanted to get an A while all I wanted was to just get by, well, at least initially. However, as I soon learned that most of these people were from those really super smart, super strict, top schools where as I am just from a normal high school, not even an SBP or MRSM, I was motivated to beat all of them.

Back in high school, I didn't know there were such things as top ranking schools so I didn't know any school except for the schools in my town. It was surprising for me to see them get so attached to their high school while I could hardly remember my own teacher's name. At that point, I wanted to prove that I could beat at their hardcore level of studying and beat the shit out of their test scores while still maintaining going back home every weekend where they complained they couldn't study if they were at home. (See? That's what boarding school does to you after 5 years. I would never send my children to one of those result-orientated schools.)

I thought I did a decent job of showing that in terms of academic. I love my second-year subjects especially antibiotic drugs because we had this one lecturer who was really laid back and kept 'hinting' at us of what will come out in the exam.


Personally, the second year was the time I started to try to adapt to changes. Back in the first year, I was inseparable with A but like every friendship, they never last. Well. Not that I don't consider her as my friend but someone came in between our inseparableness. Get it? HINT HINT IT'S A BOY.

It wasn't like we were fighting over a boy. Heck, we weren't even fighting. It's just that I felt like I was slowly being replaced. I didn't realize it until I was in the third year. That's how insidious it is. By the time I realized I was being replaced, there was no salvation to our inseparableness. At least in my point of view. I still considered her as my friend but I was being really awkward with her by the time we reached final year. To be honest, I was okay with that. I was okay and content with our current state of friendship. See how mature I have become? Like if this was 5 years ago, I would have ditched her and see her as a stranger. So whenever someone mentioned that we were bestfriend, I'll be like, 'Yeah, only during first year :/'.

Sometimes I think one of the reasons it came to this situation is because of one college project. This project which I was dragged into. It was the project I would have avoided but I couldn't because A and C were begging me to join.

The whole project was against my principle which is the bullshit that is people trying to motivate others. Also, this college project showed me how boring life would be if I had attended these boarding schools. Almost everyone wanted to be doctors and engineers and you could feel the burden to score straight As in SPM. So much burden and expectation were put upon these kids. It was suffocating for me to watch honestly.

I suffered so much through this project. I didn't get along with anyone in this project because they weren't my type of people I would hang with. I would have avoided them in real life. You know who else I tried to avoid? The boy who got in between my friendship with A. It's not like I hate him but I also don't like him. This college project got me stuck with this fella in one bureau. They say love is blind. In this case, that seems to be the truth. Enough said.

Moving on to another important event in the second year of UM, the RxQuiz which is when UM was the host. It was weirdly nice because I thought I would have hated this event but I enjoyed it. Because of that one guy :')

The funny thing is I like this event because this guy got me bonded with some of my classmates. One of them is D. D was someone whom I thought was religious and I don't get along that well with religious people. I never noticed her until this event and because of the guy. We had bonded over a guy. It's ironic how one guy can ruin a friendship but another guy can build a friendship.

I like her because she reminds me a lot of Qila. Someone who gets really worked up over small things, can take any jab/insult from me and doesn't really get clingy. I like that kind of people. The people who I called floaters because they don't get close to anyone. D also has become someone I confided to during my final year. Surprisingly we were close enough we even went to Sabah together last month. :')


The last event worth mentioning and if not, the most important is Rehlah. It's an annual event where the Malays in UM Pharmacy get together. Like a mini family day. I hate family day. I have succeeded avoiding all the Rehlahs except for this year. That's only because we, the whole class were the organiser.

I didn't specifically enjoy this event but something happened during this period that changed how I am for the upcoming years.We spent one of the precious weekends (where there were no tests looming over us) at Bagan Lalang. Back then, I was sorta still inseparable with A and both of us weren't looking forward to this trip. We actually look up for hotels nearby to ditch this event.

I didn't really have any other girls I was close with aside from A. So I actually felt really dependent towards A. At that time, A fell sick. I had a horrible feeling that she was going to ditch me here, in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of strangers for the whole weekend.

I cannot describe how I dreaded the moment she told me her boyfriend was picking her up and send her home. That meant I had to sleep here by myself with no one I know. Looking back, I was being really dramatic because it's just for one night but I don't like being left out while everyone else has their own group of friends. I don't want to go through matriculation earlier days again.

Then, someone told me this.
It was after we went to the beach where I sulked and this one girl came up to me. E came up to me and told me something I thought I really need to hear at that time. I can't, for the life of me remember exactly what she told me but it went something like this; 'You don't have to be alone, you got a lot of friends here, we're here.'

I think that was the start of how I looked at university life differently. How you asked? I will have to explain that in my third year also known as my favourite part of university life. Much fun.